We (Tex, Brooke & I) tried to get our Christmas shopping done, however, we weren't successful. But I didn't really care. We were together and I enjoyed every minute of it. As we were waiting outside of the motorcycle shop for Tex, I turned around and just stared at Brooke as she munched on a Kilani Bakery brownie. Precious moments. Some times in the rush of trying to get it all done, we miss out on the simple things - people. So the cookies aren't all baked, the decorating is partly done, the rest I put away, the lights on the outside of the house never got put up and the gifts I intended to get didn't quite make it under the tree but...God has given us another Christmas together and that's all that counts!
2011 has been a year of triumphs and tears but this Christmas we are rejoicing that we can sit together, hug together and sing those carols together.
When I reflect back on 2011, I see how God was turning us down this path, blocking our way here, and shining a light down another way. HE brought friends from the mainland to visit and love on Brooke. Trish and Julie you both came at specific times when we really needed your friendship. How awesome is our God to have allowed both of you to come at different times and bless us so much. God allowed our good friend Leslie to stay a few more months (through some of our roughest months) in Hawaii before having to move back to Texas. She loved on us, prayed and cried with me. Another angel God allowed into our lives at just the right moment. We got to take Brooke to Portland in Sept and see Hanson in concert and while there we got to visit with old friends Gary & Bella, and the Agnors! Those visits were so special to us. Those coffee dates where we chatted with Gary & Bella and how we were able to be with Bella as she was at one of her doctor appointments. The Agnors opened their home to us for a fun night and Tex & Dave got to go to Cabela's and have guy time. Breanna, Brooke and I got to traverse around Portland for shopping. Special, special times.
Can't forget those hospital stays. Although we don't want a repeat performance in 2012, we met some wonderful doctors, nurses, therapists,& technicians. They added hope to our lives, and to those that were "cranky" - well God showed us how to love on them! We got to compare what different hospitals had to offer. Queen's had the better sleeping arrangements for us parents - Pali Momi needs work on that area, BUT Pali Momi had valet parking for only $4 for all day- Queen's was $15!! We liked Pali Momi best eventho we had to sleep in Brooke's wheelchair - which makes for an achey body. Pali Momi had Pearlridge Shopping Center next door which gave us different eating options. No matter how good the food in a hospital cafeteria may be, after a few meals there you long for something different. We realized as hospital personnel came in and out of our lives that the hospitals are a BIG mission field. We are thankful for all friends who came to the hospital for visits, brought food and listened as I lamented and cried. Thank you to Mike and Maria who let us stay in their downstairs bedroom so we didn't have to drive to the North Shore so much. All these angels were provided by our God who saw our needs.
Speaking of mission fields, God allowed us to take Brooke for two weeks to the Philippines. It was our fourth visit and Brooke's second. After being off the ventilator in July, we left in October for two weeks on Boracay and Panay. What an awesome trip. Brooke was a trooper. She never complained once about being uncomfortable and stretched and our team could see God's awesome power first hand. Our team was the best ever. Everyone helped in so many areas, we never had to ask for help they all just stepped up to do whatever needed to be done. They were committed and they knew that God had called each and everyone of us to Boracay. Leilani & Frank left behind their son who had just found out he had pancreatic cancer, Randall & Marlene left their fathers who they care for in the loving hands of others, Kainoa who just turned 20 put his trust in a group of people he had never really traveled with, Sharon & Diane came along as single women waiting to see how God was going to use them, Gregg had to leave behind his company in the hands of others trusting God would take care of everything, Scott had made a commitment to Brooke the year before that if she went he would go - it took a year but he came along and God used him so much, Lyn & Derek left behind their new grandson but saw how God brought so many little children for them to love on, Gwen & Manny left Gwen's mom who was very ill because they too heard God say go. And God brought Darwin & Connie from Calvary Chapel Pearl Harbor to join our team and what an asset they were! God spoke and said "take Elizabeth to care for Brooke" and we obeyed and guess what? In January Elizabeth will be a full time missionary to the church on Boracay! God had to get her there so she would hear Him speak! All that way, at every village, at every feeding, at every encounter with someone we saw God's hand guiding us, protecting us, providing for us. Brooke grew, we all grew in our faith - 2011 Mission Trip to Boracay was a trip we will never forget.
God answered our prayers to bring our son Trey home to live for a while. It is wonderful to see how Brooke lights up when he and she interact with each other. Brother and sister - together. Again, God's hand is on this. We have been able to share the gospel with each of his friends that come through our gate. God still uses us over and over again.
Tex is now home full-time - retired at last from the Fire Department. I am enjoying our time together. Brooke is ecstatic and feels so much more comfortable with his big arms around to lift her . She doesn't always appreciate his teasing, but they do share the same sense of humor!
Thank you Lord, for providing so much at each step we took. You stretched us, even though we didn't always like the stretching, reflecting back we see that Your hand was guiding us each and every way. You never let go. Reflecting back reminds us who is really in charge and who sits on the throne! Take the time to reflect back on 2011, bet you'll see God !
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
The Beast is Back
I haven't blogged in a while. After getting back from our mission trip to the Philippines on 10/15, I have been battling one virus after another. And along with those viruses came a bad case of vertigo. My first experience with that and it was terrible. My heart goes out to any one who has ever had to deal with the room swirling around just by any little move of your head! I am on the mend, feeling a little physically better but now my poor husband is battling a virus he can't seem to shake. What next? Well read on....
My thoughts are a bit jumbled today. A few days ago we took Brooke to her pulmonologist as she has begun sleeping more, her voice is changing, the puffiness is back and again her oxygen level dropped significantly. She is once again on oxygen all day and while her oxygen saturation level is now up; the other symptoms are back. What does this mean? That the carbon dioxide levels are increasing in her tiny body and this is not good. So we are at the doctors only to hear what we've been dreading "we knew this would eventually happen. It is the progression of the beast (pulmonary hypertension)". The only thought that raced through my mind was "this is the beginning of the end of her life on earth". We cried - yep - right there in that office, all three of us cried.
We are stepping onto that roller coaster once again. A good moment, a bad moment, high and exhilarated and low and disappointed.
I keep the Christmas Tree lights on all the time we are in our home - day or night. It reminds me that Jesus is the light. He brings light into the darkness, He will direct our paths, He will be with us on the ups and downs of the roller coaster, He will wipe away the numerous tears we are shedding.
We are grateful God has brought our son Trey home. Brooke is especially happy and said on Thanksgiving that the one thing she was grateful for was that her brother was home again. I am filled with joy that the Lord brought him home during this time. He is able to spend time with Brooke and that brings her joy. Tears fill my eyes each time she asks him to lift her up and he so willingly does it. Or when she teases him and he laughs and banters back to her.
Many may say"how do you cope" or "you must be used to this already". Well, no I'm not used to this and how do I cope? I am doing what I heard a wise man (our Pastor Mike) say once "When things around you don't make sense, go back to what does - the Word of God". I am clinging to His promises and I know He is allowing all of this. It doesn't always make sense to me, for His ways are not my ways; but I do know that He loves Brooke even more than me. Is my heart broken? YES. Do I cry daily? YES. Do I think her suffering is unfair? YES. Do I want a miracle healing? YES. If it doesn't come will I still believe in Jesus? YES.
What do I need? Your prayers.
My thoughts are a bit jumbled today. A few days ago we took Brooke to her pulmonologist as she has begun sleeping more, her voice is changing, the puffiness is back and again her oxygen level dropped significantly. She is once again on oxygen all day and while her oxygen saturation level is now up; the other symptoms are back. What does this mean? That the carbon dioxide levels are increasing in her tiny body and this is not good. So we are at the doctors only to hear what we've been dreading "we knew this would eventually happen. It is the progression of the beast (pulmonary hypertension)". The only thought that raced through my mind was "this is the beginning of the end of her life on earth". We cried - yep - right there in that office, all three of us cried.
We are stepping onto that roller coaster once again. A good moment, a bad moment, high and exhilarated and low and disappointed.
I keep the Christmas Tree lights on all the time we are in our home - day or night. It reminds me that Jesus is the light. He brings light into the darkness, He will direct our paths, He will be with us on the ups and downs of the roller coaster, He will wipe away the numerous tears we are shedding.
We are grateful God has brought our son Trey home. Brooke is especially happy and said on Thanksgiving that the one thing she was grateful for was that her brother was home again. I am filled with joy that the Lord brought him home during this time. He is able to spend time with Brooke and that brings her joy. Tears fill my eyes each time she asks him to lift her up and he so willingly does it. Or when she teases him and he laughs and banters back to her.
Many may say"how do you cope" or "you must be used to this already". Well, no I'm not used to this and how do I cope? I am doing what I heard a wise man (our Pastor Mike) say once "When things around you don't make sense, go back to what does - the Word of God". I am clinging to His promises and I know He is allowing all of this. It doesn't always make sense to me, for His ways are not my ways; but I do know that He loves Brooke even more than me. Is my heart broken? YES. Do I cry daily? YES. Do I think her suffering is unfair? YES. Do I want a miracle healing? YES. If it doesn't come will I still believe in Jesus? YES.
What do I need? Your prayers.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Child-like
We recently took Brooke to Portland to attend a Hanson concert. This group is her absolute favorite and she was thrilled beyond words to go and see them!
It was my first trip to Portland and I so enjoyed the whole journey. I realized I enjoyed myself so much because I was looking at everything with child-like eyes. Oooooh look at that! My that's beautiful. Can you imagine such beauty?! Those were just a some of my thoughts.
I got to thinking about looking at each new day with child-like eyes and living each day with child-like faith. You know that freshness and excitement. Like a child who completely trusts her parents as she places her hand in her parents hand when she crosses the street. No worries, she simply follows along. She doesn't question, she just obeys and she anticipates with excitement what's at the other side of the street!
As we ready ourselves to leave Hawaii for God's mission trip to the Philippines, I think of our team who has put their trust and faith in Jesus Christ. We have a parent whose son is battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer, but she is leaving her adult son with good caregivers and in the hands of the great comforter Jesus Christ. We have a husband and wife who have responsibilities of caregiving their sick parents and they too are trusting others to care for them; but knowing full well Jehovah Jireh the great provider will meet all their needs. We have men who are entrusting their companies to the hands of others knowing
Jesus holds their companies in the palm of His hands. There are wives going because their husband have heard the Lord speak and they are willingly going to support him because they know God has called them to be the "helpmate" of their husband. We have several people traveling with on-going health issues, others with uncertainties in their future and others leaving behind children, grandchildren, homes & jobs. But all stepping out in faith for they know Jesus has called them.
This Sunday in church we asked our daughter Brooke why she was going to the Philippines. She simply said,"because God told me to go". Child-like faith. Then we asked her , but it's not a handicap accessible country. You won't have your motorized wheelchair or your hospital bed. It will not be easy. And she said "I don't do easy, I just do possible. For all things are possible with Christ who strengthens me". Child-like - because God said go and in His Word He said He'll take care of her.
Many people are so excited to see spiritual awakening in Brooke; but how about our own walk with the Lord? Do you just step out when He calls you to do something? Do you hesitate to ask Him to send you somewhere because of fear? Do you allow that fear to deprive you of what He has ahead? Do you want a life controlled by you? Do you constantly have to have all your ducks in a row,your scheduled life, your i's dotted and your t's crossed. Are you waiting for the perfect timing - when the kids are older, when the house is paid for, when, when, when.
A good friend and I used to say we don't want to become "stodgy" women. Let's step into a child-like
life knowing that as you cross each roadway provided by Jesus Christ, He is holding your hand. As you step through each opened door, He is on the other side to greet you. As you get on a plane to some where He has chosen, He will be with you every step of the way.
Please keep our team in your prayers. Pray for good health, lots of spiritual growth, opportunities to share the gospel, open hearts, continued unity on our team, God's protection each and every step of the way and when we return we will use what He has shown us to bring glory to His name.
It was my first trip to Portland and I so enjoyed the whole journey. I realized I enjoyed myself so much because I was looking at everything with child-like eyes. Oooooh look at that! My that's beautiful. Can you imagine such beauty?! Those were just a some of my thoughts.
I got to thinking about looking at each new day with child-like eyes and living each day with child-like faith. You know that freshness and excitement. Like a child who completely trusts her parents as she places her hand in her parents hand when she crosses the street. No worries, she simply follows along. She doesn't question, she just obeys and she anticipates with excitement what's at the other side of the street!
As we ready ourselves to leave Hawaii for God's mission trip to the Philippines, I think of our team who has put their trust and faith in Jesus Christ. We have a parent whose son is battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer, but she is leaving her adult son with good caregivers and in the hands of the great comforter Jesus Christ. We have a husband and wife who have responsibilities of caregiving their sick parents and they too are trusting others to care for them; but knowing full well Jehovah Jireh the great provider will meet all their needs. We have men who are entrusting their companies to the hands of others knowing
Jesus holds their companies in the palm of His hands. There are wives going because their husband have heard the Lord speak and they are willingly going to support him because they know God has called them to be the "helpmate" of their husband. We have several people traveling with on-going health issues, others with uncertainties in their future and others leaving behind children, grandchildren, homes & jobs. But all stepping out in faith for they know Jesus has called them.
This Sunday in church we asked our daughter Brooke why she was going to the Philippines. She simply said,"because God told me to go". Child-like faith. Then we asked her , but it's not a handicap accessible country. You won't have your motorized wheelchair or your hospital bed. It will not be easy. And she said "I don't do easy, I just do possible. For all things are possible with Christ who strengthens me". Child-like - because God said go and in His Word He said He'll take care of her.
Many people are so excited to see spiritual awakening in Brooke; but how about our own walk with the Lord? Do you just step out when He calls you to do something? Do you hesitate to ask Him to send you somewhere because of fear? Do you allow that fear to deprive you of what He has ahead? Do you want a life controlled by you? Do you constantly have to have all your ducks in a row,your scheduled life, your i's dotted and your t's crossed. Are you waiting for the perfect timing - when the kids are older, when the house is paid for, when, when, when.
A good friend and I used to say we don't want to become "stodgy" women. Let's step into a child-like
life knowing that as you cross each roadway provided by Jesus Christ, He is holding your hand. As you step through each opened door, He is on the other side to greet you. As you get on a plane to some where He has chosen, He will be with you every step of the way.
Please keep our team in your prayers. Pray for good health, lots of spiritual growth, opportunities to share the gospel, open hearts, continued unity on our team, God's protection each and every step of the way and when we return we will use what He has shown us to bring glory to His name.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Cupcakes
Today, September 16th, is my son Jeremy's 40th birthday. As I write the number 40 my mind goes to all the things I've missed. You see Jeremy was killed 24 years ago at the sweet age of 16. I've missed seeing him grow into a man. I've missed seeing him fall in love, choose a career and have grandchildren. Those are just a few things I've missed. The one biggest thing I miss is just him. Talking with him, hugging him, hearing him say "hi mom", seeing him. The things I miss all have to do with spending time with him.
If I would of had more time I could of or would of ____________________.
This is where cupcakes come to my mind. I remember while he was in elementary school it was the fad or custom to bring cupcakes to school when it was your child's birthday. That way the whole class could sing happy birthday and your child would be thrilled beyond words. Some moms would elaborately decorate those cupcakes and all the class would ooooooh and aaaaaah .You know those moms who go way overboard. They make the rest of us decorating challenged not artistic mothers green with envy as they turn ordinary cupcakes into works of art! :) I remember bringing chocolate cupcakes with blue frosting to school ONCE for Jeremy's birthday. I have pictures of him with a friend eating those cupcakes and having a big smile on his face with blue frosting covering his teeth. I did that ONCE. Do you know that shortly after I was told he was killed I remember thinking "I should have made more cupcakes".
I'm not sharing this because I want you to drop everything and spend more time with your children. In fact we devote way too much time to our children. I'm sharing this because I have learned through cupcakes that I don't want to miss what God has for me and my life.
Time is one of the main things God wants from us. He wants us to sit before Him, give Him the best of our days, ask Him what and how to accomplish what He has for us. We can't find out if it's cupcakes if we don't spend time with Him. God desires my fellowship and that takes precious time. After all He has done for me can I do anything less? I have learned that when I give Him the best of my time, He will show me exactly what to do with my time. And yes, there will be time for cupcakes.
Yes, I missed cupcake opportunities with Jeremy. I can never make up time not spent with him. But I can take what I've learned, share it with you, and hope that you and I will not miss the magnificent opportunities God has for us each and every day. Will you go with me before the Lord and ask Him - "what do you want me to do with today; who Lord do you want me to spend my time with; who should I call to comfort; who do you want me to make blue frosting cupcakes for?"
Let's allow God to direct our paths, not miss His opportunities for us, and enjoy the journey!
If I would of had more time I could of or would of ____________________.
This is where cupcakes come to my mind. I remember while he was in elementary school it was the fad or custom to bring cupcakes to school when it was your child's birthday. That way the whole class could sing happy birthday and your child would be thrilled beyond words. Some moms would elaborately decorate those cupcakes and all the class would ooooooh and aaaaaah .You know those moms who go way overboard. They make the rest of us decorating challenged not artistic mothers green with envy as they turn ordinary cupcakes into works of art! :) I remember bringing chocolate cupcakes with blue frosting to school ONCE for Jeremy's birthday. I have pictures of him with a friend eating those cupcakes and having a big smile on his face with blue frosting covering his teeth. I did that ONCE. Do you know that shortly after I was told he was killed I remember thinking "I should have made more cupcakes".
I'm not sharing this because I want you to drop everything and spend more time with your children. In fact we devote way too much time to our children. I'm sharing this because I have learned through cupcakes that I don't want to miss what God has for me and my life.
Time is one of the main things God wants from us. He wants us to sit before Him, give Him the best of our days, ask Him what and how to accomplish what He has for us. We can't find out if it's cupcakes if we don't spend time with Him. God desires my fellowship and that takes precious time. After all He has done for me can I do anything less? I have learned that when I give Him the best of my time, He will show me exactly what to do with my time. And yes, there will be time for cupcakes.
Yes, I missed cupcake opportunities with Jeremy. I can never make up time not spent with him. But I can take what I've learned, share it with you, and hope that you and I will not miss the magnificent opportunities God has for us each and every day. Will you go with me before the Lord and ask Him - "what do you want me to do with today; who Lord do you want me to spend my time with; who should I call to comfort; who do you want me to make blue frosting cupcakes for?"
Let's allow God to direct our paths, not miss His opportunities for us, and enjoy the journey!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Rejoice!!
It's been a while since I've posted. So much has happened in our lives. God has taken us down one path and now we're on another! Before I update you all on Brooke, let me tell you what God has shown me.
Philippians 4:4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice"!
It's not always easy to rejoice in the Lord. Trials and tribulations come and we lose our focus that Jesus is our High Priest. He is the One who can identify with us as we go through each trial, each pain, each suffering and each temptation. But we are human. As a christian, I can beat myself up on "why can't I be victorious in all areas of my Life?" Why do I cry or lament or get filled with anger and despair? Why can't I just get it - that God is in control, HE knows best, HE will always be there for me. Sure, through the good times when everything in my life seems to be going smoothly - no bumps in the road, I can "rejoice in the Lord". But it's those times when I am weary, when I can't see past the circumstances, that I need a boost. I need some help.
In the Bible, it shows me that there are people just like me. Some times they're courageous and walk through life in total faith. Other times they cry out "I don't understand, or I'm afraid." That's where some one comes along to help. Moses had Aaron and Hur who held up his arms when he became weary. David had Jonathan to encourage him when He went through trial after trial. Naomi had Ruth who said "I'll stand by you in your time of despair". The apostles had one another. Like minded friends to call upon to pray for each other.
I so desire to be that kind of person. One who will come along side another to encourage, to pray with, to cry or laugh with. I want to be a Ruth, that will listen and comfort; or a Jonathan a faithful friend; or an Aaron and Hur who gives physical help when it is needed. More importantly, I want to be a woman who reminds others that God has not forgotten them, that His promises are for all of us, that His mercies are new every morning and that HE loves us and will never leave us!
On July 14th at 6:00 a.m. we took Brooke off the ventilator so she could go to the bathroom. We then returned her to bed, hooked her back on to the ventilator, as she wanted to sleep a few more hours. All was well. We then went into the kitchen where I began to use our vitamix machine to make us some smoothies. If you have ever used one of those machines, you know they make alot of noise. In between throwing different fruits into the vitamixer, Tex, who's hearing is questionable at times, said "stop I hear something". We could hear a faint "beep, beep, beep". We run into Brooke's room and she is motioning that she is drowning. I quickly disconnect the ventilator, and Tex is ready with the ambu bag to give her oxygen. As soon as I disconnect the ventilator from the trach tube, water comes running out! Water. That had never happened before and no one told us this could happen. We suction her get her breathing well and proceed to figure out what happened. Tex has to go to work, so I am alone to make the calls and get answers. I call the Respiratory Technician. She says she will come out and check the ventilator. In the meantime, the RN who was assigned to us for follow up shows up at the door. She is there to make sure all is going well. I tell her what happened and she says she has never heard of water coming out of the trach when you disconnect the ventilator. The respiratory woman shows up and the two of them go over the machine - top to bottom. Nothing wrong. No way water could get in there. They determine something must be wrong with the tracheostomy - may be a crack in it - but where did the water come from? They suggest I call Brooke's pulmonologist and get her all checked out. I do that and he suggests I get her down to the emergency room at Pali Momi.
We are now in the ER at Pali Momi - after xrays, blood work and four hours of waiting for all to be done our doctor shows up and says he wants her to spend a couple nights for observation to see how she does off the ventilator. Wow! But she and I hunker down at pali momi. It's a long uncomfortable night as I am trying to sleep in Brooke's wheelchair with my legs propped up on a chair - very very uncomfortable.
I stay awake all night watching the monitors, listening to the rhythmic beep and an occasional alarm - but all goes well. The next morning at around 7:15 the doctor comes in and says according to all the stats from the previous night she had a remarkably great night! Praise the Lord! (that's me saying that not him) He tells her he feels that the ventilator and tracheostomy is causing her more problems than good and that if she wants, he feels very comfortable removing the trach - WHAT? Queens told us a minimum of 6 months but highly doubtful as they felt she would be on the ventilator at night for the rest of her life! Brooke agrees, for some reason (God I believe), kept my mouth shut. The doctor proceeds to take out the trach - it took less than 5 seconds. Brooke says is it done? He says yes , and she begins to weep. Tears rolling down her cheeks. He gets all worried and asks if anything is sore or wrong and she says "no, nothing is wrong, I just have my life back". The nurse and doctor are quiet and leave the room quickly. She and I just cry and rejoice!!!!
Since July 14th her oxygen level has been in the high 90's which is normal and remarkable. She has not had to have any oxygen, although we have a few tanks in our home. She is not on any medication. She is breathing on her own and doing light exercising like walking, stretching and tomorrow she goes into the pool! It is a miracle.
Here is my take on all this - the water that came out of that trach. No one can tell us where it came from or how it got in there, but remember Jesus is the Living Water. He healed her. If it wasn't for that water she would still be hooked up to all those machines. Water - living water - healing water.
So join us in rejoicing!
Philippians 4:4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice"!
It's not always easy to rejoice in the Lord. Trials and tribulations come and we lose our focus that Jesus is our High Priest. He is the One who can identify with us as we go through each trial, each pain, each suffering and each temptation. But we are human. As a christian, I can beat myself up on "why can't I be victorious in all areas of my Life?" Why do I cry or lament or get filled with anger and despair? Why can't I just get it - that God is in control, HE knows best, HE will always be there for me. Sure, through the good times when everything in my life seems to be going smoothly - no bumps in the road, I can "rejoice in the Lord". But it's those times when I am weary, when I can't see past the circumstances, that I need a boost. I need some help.
In the Bible, it shows me that there are people just like me. Some times they're courageous and walk through life in total faith. Other times they cry out "I don't understand, or I'm afraid." That's where some one comes along to help. Moses had Aaron and Hur who held up his arms when he became weary. David had Jonathan to encourage him when He went through trial after trial. Naomi had Ruth who said "I'll stand by you in your time of despair". The apostles had one another. Like minded friends to call upon to pray for each other.
I so desire to be that kind of person. One who will come along side another to encourage, to pray with, to cry or laugh with. I want to be a Ruth, that will listen and comfort; or a Jonathan a faithful friend; or an Aaron and Hur who gives physical help when it is needed. More importantly, I want to be a woman who reminds others that God has not forgotten them, that His promises are for all of us, that His mercies are new every morning and that HE loves us and will never leave us!
On July 14th at 6:00 a.m. we took Brooke off the ventilator so she could go to the bathroom. We then returned her to bed, hooked her back on to the ventilator, as she wanted to sleep a few more hours. All was well. We then went into the kitchen where I began to use our vitamix machine to make us some smoothies. If you have ever used one of those machines, you know they make alot of noise. In between throwing different fruits into the vitamixer, Tex, who's hearing is questionable at times, said "stop I hear something". We could hear a faint "beep, beep, beep". We run into Brooke's room and she is motioning that she is drowning. I quickly disconnect the ventilator, and Tex is ready with the ambu bag to give her oxygen. As soon as I disconnect the ventilator from the trach tube, water comes running out! Water. That had never happened before and no one told us this could happen. We suction her get her breathing well and proceed to figure out what happened. Tex has to go to work, so I am alone to make the calls and get answers. I call the Respiratory Technician. She says she will come out and check the ventilator. In the meantime, the RN who was assigned to us for follow up shows up at the door. She is there to make sure all is going well. I tell her what happened and she says she has never heard of water coming out of the trach when you disconnect the ventilator. The respiratory woman shows up and the two of them go over the machine - top to bottom. Nothing wrong. No way water could get in there. They determine something must be wrong with the tracheostomy - may be a crack in it - but where did the water come from? They suggest I call Brooke's pulmonologist and get her all checked out. I do that and he suggests I get her down to the emergency room at Pali Momi.
We are now in the ER at Pali Momi - after xrays, blood work and four hours of waiting for all to be done our doctor shows up and says he wants her to spend a couple nights for observation to see how she does off the ventilator. Wow! But she and I hunker down at pali momi. It's a long uncomfortable night as I am trying to sleep in Brooke's wheelchair with my legs propped up on a chair - very very uncomfortable.
I stay awake all night watching the monitors, listening to the rhythmic beep and an occasional alarm - but all goes well. The next morning at around 7:15 the doctor comes in and says according to all the stats from the previous night she had a remarkably great night! Praise the Lord! (that's me saying that not him) He tells her he feels that the ventilator and tracheostomy is causing her more problems than good and that if she wants, he feels very comfortable removing the trach - WHAT? Queens told us a minimum of 6 months but highly doubtful as they felt she would be on the ventilator at night for the rest of her life! Brooke agrees, for some reason (God I believe), kept my mouth shut. The doctor proceeds to take out the trach - it took less than 5 seconds. Brooke says is it done? He says yes , and she begins to weep. Tears rolling down her cheeks. He gets all worried and asks if anything is sore or wrong and she says "no, nothing is wrong, I just have my life back". The nurse and doctor are quiet and leave the room quickly. She and I just cry and rejoice!!!!
Since July 14th her oxygen level has been in the high 90's which is normal and remarkable. She has not had to have any oxygen, although we have a few tanks in our home. She is not on any medication. She is breathing on her own and doing light exercising like walking, stretching and tomorrow she goes into the pool! It is a miracle.
Here is my take on all this - the water that came out of that trach. No one can tell us where it came from or how it got in there, but remember Jesus is the Living Water. He healed her. If it wasn't for that water she would still be hooked up to all those machines. Water - living water - healing water.
So join us in rejoicing!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Growth
This morning my husband brought a newspaper clipping that a friend of ours had kept all these years. It was an article written in the Honolulu Advertiser on March 20th, 1990. The reporter was interviewing myself and some other parents whose children had died. As I read the article I realized how much I have grown in the Lord. The feelings of sorrow I felt then and still do now are deep. I haven't forgotten my son Jeremy. I still miss him and often think what kind of a man he would have grown into. Would I have grandchildren, would he be living close by, would he, would he. There are many questions that will never be answered because a life was cut short.
But I am so grateful that the Lord was so full of mercy, patience , grace and love with me. HE held me close, wiped my tears and listened as I cried out to HIM. And as HE patiently and gently nudge me this way, opened a door here or cleared a path there, I began to know HIM more. HE revealed each step of the way a new part of HIM, a new promise, or a new blessing. As I grew in knowledge of HIM, I also grew in love for HIM. But I took action to receive all of what HE had for me. I had to open my Bible and read His word. I had to kneel before Him and petition Him. I had to loudly praise Him for all HE is and who HE is. It took action to receive all He had for me.
I hope and pray this day that whoever reads this will take action to receive all that God has for you. Don't put it off, don't wait but embrace the Lord Jesus Christ! Take action and see all the goodness He has for you.
As I look over this article I see that my faith was so small but HE carried me through those days and brought joy and peace into my life again. He opened my eyes to see the beauty all around me.
May our Lord bring you peace, joy, love, grace and mercy this day.
P.S. I look so young in the picture they put in the article! It is amazing how I have changed outwardly but more amazing how inwardly I have grown in the Lord.
But I am so grateful that the Lord was so full of mercy, patience , grace and love with me. HE held me close, wiped my tears and listened as I cried out to HIM. And as HE patiently and gently nudge me this way, opened a door here or cleared a path there, I began to know HIM more. HE revealed each step of the way a new part of HIM, a new promise, or a new blessing. As I grew in knowledge of HIM, I also grew in love for HIM. But I took action to receive all of what HE had for me. I had to open my Bible and read His word. I had to kneel before Him and petition Him. I had to loudly praise Him for all HE is and who HE is. It took action to receive all He had for me.
I hope and pray this day that whoever reads this will take action to receive all that God has for you. Don't put it off, don't wait but embrace the Lord Jesus Christ! Take action and see all the goodness He has for you.
As I look over this article I see that my faith was so small but HE carried me through those days and brought joy and peace into my life again. He opened my eyes to see the beauty all around me.
May our Lord bring you peace, joy, love, grace and mercy this day.
P.S. I look so young in the picture they put in the article! It is amazing how I have changed outwardly but more amazing how inwardly I have grown in the Lord.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Mourning
I used to think mourning came only with the death of someone. Someone dies, you go to a funeral, you cry and grieve because you miss that person. But in this season of my life I have realized that mourning comes with different circumstances. As I sat reading the Word of God, searching for words of comfort & strength, I realized that I am in a stage of mourning.
We have been home two weeks from the hospital. It's wonderful to be in our own bed, looking out at Waimea Valley and absorbing the quietness of our neighborhood. I feel safe and calm as the morning sun warms me. The only sound I hear is the oxygenator machine pumping a steady flow of oxygen to Brooke's ventilator. It disturbs my peacefulness with the swoosh, swoosh, swoosh sound it makes. And I realize I grieve and miss the complete quietness that I used to sit in each morning. I mourn for that quietness. Silly isn't it? To grieve for blessed quietness, a quietness where I could close my eyes and it would clear my mind and calm my heart?! But I do and it's OK! I am grateful for the oxygenator but I still miss the peacefulness.
I mourn for the independence that I had before all this happened with Brooke. Before the trach and the ventilator, I could go for a walk and leave Brooke for a few hours alone. I used to say then that we didn't have spontaneity in our lives but I mourn even for those days where we could at least go out for a few hours together as a couple.
I mourn for the days where the words ventilator, tracheostomy, oxygen saturation, suctioning, etc. were not in our vocabulary. I mourn for 8 hours of sleep! I mourn for a future I had all planned out! How absurd is that!
I mourn for the days where ministry filled our hours. Being an active part of our church instead of being at home every day and every hour. I mourn and mourn and mourn.
So here's what I've learned about mourning...mourning can be exhausting. It zaps your strength and could occupy every thought you have if we allow it. But it is necessary too. When you mourn you allow those normal feelings to be felt so you can then deal with them and move on. BUT you don't want to dwell in the land of mourning. If we do dwell there then the depression sets in and we will begin to isolate ourselves which will then spiral us down deeper into the depression. An ugly cycle.
So what should I do? Ok for those who know me you'll be saying at this point, "this is where she goes to that book again-the Bible". You're right, I went there for you see I learned a long time ago that God's Word is the only thing that will sustain, strengthen and comfort me. So I decided to see what others in the Bible did when they mourned, and God took me to Naomi in the Book of Ruth. I'm glad God took me to Naomi cause I really like her as she is so transparent! Naomi mourned for what she had lost. She lost her husband, her sons and her way of life. She doesn't hide her feelings, she shares them but she also makes a crucial decision. She decides to go back to her homeland, which means she was also returning to her God! She chose to return to where she could once again seek her God and worship Him. Naomi taught me it's not about me but about God. My life is to be centered around worshipping and magnifying God. I learned I need to turn toward God not away from Him. My mourning could discourage me so much that I could choose to cling to it rather than cling to the Great Comforter.
Naomi taught me through her concern for Ruth that my focus is to be on loving God and loving others. I need to change my focus. As I reach out to others my own mourning will be healed. But how can I do that God if I can't leave home? I don't know, but I do know that when God thinks I'm ready He will show me.
I don't want to waste my sorrow for God has allowed this in my life for a reason. I don't know the reason and even if I did I don't think my small mind would be able to comprehend it all. But I don't want to miss what God has for me through all of this. After all, I have more days behind me than in front of me and I don't want to waste even one.
I know there will be moments I will slip back into the mourning - probably by noon today! But I do hope that what God has taught me this morning will help me to ride that wave of grief triumphantly!
So for now I will cling to, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4.
We have been home two weeks from the hospital. It's wonderful to be in our own bed, looking out at Waimea Valley and absorbing the quietness of our neighborhood. I feel safe and calm as the morning sun warms me. The only sound I hear is the oxygenator machine pumping a steady flow of oxygen to Brooke's ventilator. It disturbs my peacefulness with the swoosh, swoosh, swoosh sound it makes. And I realize I grieve and miss the complete quietness that I used to sit in each morning. I mourn for that quietness. Silly isn't it? To grieve for blessed quietness, a quietness where I could close my eyes and it would clear my mind and calm my heart?! But I do and it's OK! I am grateful for the oxygenator but I still miss the peacefulness.
I mourn for the independence that I had before all this happened with Brooke. Before the trach and the ventilator, I could go for a walk and leave Brooke for a few hours alone. I used to say then that we didn't have spontaneity in our lives but I mourn even for those days where we could at least go out for a few hours together as a couple.
I mourn for the days where the words ventilator, tracheostomy, oxygen saturation, suctioning, etc. were not in our vocabulary. I mourn for 8 hours of sleep! I mourn for a future I had all planned out! How absurd is that!
I mourn for the days where ministry filled our hours. Being an active part of our church instead of being at home every day and every hour. I mourn and mourn and mourn.
So here's what I've learned about mourning...mourning can be exhausting. It zaps your strength and could occupy every thought you have if we allow it. But it is necessary too. When you mourn you allow those normal feelings to be felt so you can then deal with them and move on. BUT you don't want to dwell in the land of mourning. If we do dwell there then the depression sets in and we will begin to isolate ourselves which will then spiral us down deeper into the depression. An ugly cycle.
So what should I do? Ok for those who know me you'll be saying at this point, "this is where she goes to that book again-the Bible". You're right, I went there for you see I learned a long time ago that God's Word is the only thing that will sustain, strengthen and comfort me. So I decided to see what others in the Bible did when they mourned, and God took me to Naomi in the Book of Ruth. I'm glad God took me to Naomi cause I really like her as she is so transparent! Naomi mourned for what she had lost. She lost her husband, her sons and her way of life. She doesn't hide her feelings, she shares them but she also makes a crucial decision. She decides to go back to her homeland, which means she was also returning to her God! She chose to return to where she could once again seek her God and worship Him. Naomi taught me it's not about me but about God. My life is to be centered around worshipping and magnifying God. I learned I need to turn toward God not away from Him. My mourning could discourage me so much that I could choose to cling to it rather than cling to the Great Comforter.
Naomi taught me through her concern for Ruth that my focus is to be on loving God and loving others. I need to change my focus. As I reach out to others my own mourning will be healed. But how can I do that God if I can't leave home? I don't know, but I do know that when God thinks I'm ready He will show me.
I don't want to waste my sorrow for God has allowed this in my life for a reason. I don't know the reason and even if I did I don't think my small mind would be able to comprehend it all. But I don't want to miss what God has for me through all of this. After all, I have more days behind me than in front of me and I don't want to waste even one.
I know there will be moments I will slip back into the mourning - probably by noon today! But I do hope that what God has taught me this morning will help me to ride that wave of grief triumphantly!
So for now I will cling to, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Fear Not
After 24 or is it 25 days at Queen's Hospital, we are finally in our own home - the three of us - Tex, Me and Brooke! Yes Brooke is home!! And the words from Isaiah 41:10 ring out loud and clear "Do not Fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". The day we have been anticipating is finally here !
What a day it's been. We tried to make this transition as smooth as possible for Brooke. The less stress the better but the world had other plans. We left Queen's with much stuff and paperwork and to find out we had to stop at the pharmacy to pick up medicine for that night! What happened to giving you all the medicine as you left (am I dating myself). Or how about this thought - can you call the prescriptions to the pharmacy so we won't have to wait? Can't do that the "doctor" has left the hospital - there are no other doctors to do this - yikes - in a hospital? Our whole concern was we live far away and only had a 2 hour oxygen tank for Brooke. What's a person to do? Stress level rising - not good for anyone especially Brooke. Calm down remember who is in charge. Fear Not.
The pharmacy tried their best but after 40 minutes we finally were headed home to meet the Respiratory Company to set up her room. This was suppose to be done the day before BUT they couldn't make it out and so today with Brooke in hand we arrive home to another hectic situation. The mantra from medical staff to respiratory company is "Do not panic, remain calm"! I am wondering if they thought all this "doing" was going to calm Brooke? Brooke eats a great salad for lunch while Tex and the respiratory technician set up the room. There are boxes and boxes of things all over the bed, machines, tubes etc. Brooke got really tired and we had to clear off the bed to let her rest. Then the "fun" began....her saturation rate went down to 67 and she "asked" to be bagged (put oxygen through her while squeezing a bag). Not her favorite but she couldn't get air no matter what we tried. I could see her stress level rising! The room was extremely hot even with the air conditioner on and as the respiratory tech was helping us out Brooke asked to be put on the ventilator!!! That's when I knew that she was really in distress.
I don't want to bore you with all the rest that happened but I will say this - if you want someone who is ill to come home to a stress free environment then you have got to take the bull by the horns and speak up. Fear Not!!!
We are all alone as I type this at 7:06. Can't seem to get enough oxygen to her through the oxygen machine they left. Her saturation rate keeps falling and we have had to put her on the ventilator again!
Fear Not do not be Dismayed - I take dismayed as don't get discouraged. Please pray that all this will pass smoothly. She was doing so well at the hospital and we don't want to take steps back. She has already shed tears and it breaks my heart. I am saying over and over again "I uphold you with my righteous right hand" - dear Lord hold tight!
What a day it's been. We tried to make this transition as smooth as possible for Brooke. The less stress the better but the world had other plans. We left Queen's with much stuff and paperwork and to find out we had to stop at the pharmacy to pick up medicine for that night! What happened to giving you all the medicine as you left (am I dating myself). Or how about this thought - can you call the prescriptions to the pharmacy so we won't have to wait? Can't do that the "doctor" has left the hospital - there are no other doctors to do this - yikes - in a hospital? Our whole concern was we live far away and only had a 2 hour oxygen tank for Brooke. What's a person to do? Stress level rising - not good for anyone especially Brooke. Calm down remember who is in charge. Fear Not.
The pharmacy tried their best but after 40 minutes we finally were headed home to meet the Respiratory Company to set up her room. This was suppose to be done the day before BUT they couldn't make it out and so today with Brooke in hand we arrive home to another hectic situation. The mantra from medical staff to respiratory company is "Do not panic, remain calm"! I am wondering if they thought all this "doing" was going to calm Brooke? Brooke eats a great salad for lunch while Tex and the respiratory technician set up the room. There are boxes and boxes of things all over the bed, machines, tubes etc. Brooke got really tired and we had to clear off the bed to let her rest. Then the "fun" began....her saturation rate went down to 67 and she "asked" to be bagged (put oxygen through her while squeezing a bag). Not her favorite but she couldn't get air no matter what we tried. I could see her stress level rising! The room was extremely hot even with the air conditioner on and as the respiratory tech was helping us out Brooke asked to be put on the ventilator!!! That's when I knew that she was really in distress.
I don't want to bore you with all the rest that happened but I will say this - if you want someone who is ill to come home to a stress free environment then you have got to take the bull by the horns and speak up. Fear Not!!!
We are all alone as I type this at 7:06. Can't seem to get enough oxygen to her through the oxygen machine they left. Her saturation rate keeps falling and we have had to put her on the ventilator again!
Fear Not do not be Dismayed - I take dismayed as don't get discouraged. Please pray that all this will pass smoothly. She was doing so well at the hospital and we don't want to take steps back. She has already shed tears and it breaks my heart. I am saying over and over again "I uphold you with my righteous right hand" - dear Lord hold tight!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Hear Me
"My voice rises to God and I will cry aloud, My voice rises to God, and He will hear me" Psalm 77
My voice is so important to God. In the above Psalm David cries out to God to hear him and God does.
We've seen and experienced so much these past 17 days in ICU. We've seen people come in and recover. We've seen young and old pass away. Families crying and families relieved. Family and friends keeping constant vigil, or family and friends coming for brief moments. We've heard laughter and sobs. We are on that emotional roller coaster. There are highs and lows. Looking forward to the next high and yet always anticipating that dreadful plunge. We take nothing for granted. We constantly cry out aloud, "hear us, hear us".
Even now as exhaustion overtakes us, we don't ask why. We definitely have seen God using us in different ways. Each time He has called us to pray with strangers, we cry aloud hear us God let them see You, let them know You. Each time we tell a nurse, doctor or therapist that God is well pleased with the tender care they give Brooke for in His word He says "what you do to the least of His people He will do unto you". We see their eyes get teary, voices thanking us for that word from the Lord and we know seeds are being planted.
We see Him and feel Him here. Each day I pull myself out of bed and that tired feeling of "oh not again" comes over me I reach for his Word. Some times quickly, some times gradually He speaks "This is where I have you, look around, I am here and I want you to join me. I hear you". He hears me, He hears my annoying voice, my crying sobs, my laughter, and my torment - God hears me.
I am not super woman, I do have my moments of protesting to Him but He ever so gently and always so quickly reminds me that everything that is happening to Brooke has gone through His hands. He reminds me of all the other times He has heard me and answered me. The times He has cradled me in His arms. The times he has wiped away my tears and put them in a jar. The times He has given me new mercies each morning. He brings to my mind all of what He has delivered me from, all the comfort and peace He has lavished on me and the love He still gives to me even when I disappoint Him.
Even after all this I still cry out - Hear me O God - as if He needs reminding!
Brooke got to talk for the entire day! That is a miracle! She barely used the ventilator and we are thanking God for each of these precious gifts. Pray that the depression will subside and that God would send special angel friends to cheer her up and encourage her.
My voice is so important to God. In the above Psalm David cries out to God to hear him and God does.
We've seen and experienced so much these past 17 days in ICU. We've seen people come in and recover. We've seen young and old pass away. Families crying and families relieved. Family and friends keeping constant vigil, or family and friends coming for brief moments. We've heard laughter and sobs. We are on that emotional roller coaster. There are highs and lows. Looking forward to the next high and yet always anticipating that dreadful plunge. We take nothing for granted. We constantly cry out aloud, "hear us, hear us".
Even now as exhaustion overtakes us, we don't ask why. We definitely have seen God using us in different ways. Each time He has called us to pray with strangers, we cry aloud hear us God let them see You, let them know You. Each time we tell a nurse, doctor or therapist that God is well pleased with the tender care they give Brooke for in His word He says "what you do to the least of His people He will do unto you". We see their eyes get teary, voices thanking us for that word from the Lord and we know seeds are being planted.
We see Him and feel Him here. Each day I pull myself out of bed and that tired feeling of "oh not again" comes over me I reach for his Word. Some times quickly, some times gradually He speaks "This is where I have you, look around, I am here and I want you to join me. I hear you". He hears me, He hears my annoying voice, my crying sobs, my laughter, and my torment - God hears me.
I am not super woman, I do have my moments of protesting to Him but He ever so gently and always so quickly reminds me that everything that is happening to Brooke has gone through His hands. He reminds me of all the other times He has heard me and answered me. The times He has cradled me in His arms. The times he has wiped away my tears and put them in a jar. The times He has given me new mercies each morning. He brings to my mind all of what He has delivered me from, all the comfort and peace He has lavished on me and the love He still gives to me even when I disappoint Him.
Even after all this I still cry out - Hear me O God - as if He needs reminding!
Brooke got to talk for the entire day! That is a miracle! She barely used the ventilator and we are thanking God for each of these precious gifts. Pray that the depression will subside and that God would send special angel friends to cheer her up and encourage her.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A Voice
What a blessed day it has been. After 15 days in intensive care and no voice for 13 of those days, we got to hear Brooke's voice. She had speech therapy while having a tracheotomy and being on the ventilator. This is not an easy feat, but leave it to Brooke, she amazes everyone. The hospital stay is hard for all of us. Although we are blessed to be able to stay at a friends house some nights, we do miss the normalcy of being in our own home. Brooke on the other hand has it harder. Trying to sleep in the ICU is very hard. Lights on, lots of activity, someone always checking on you. But everyone is nice and accommodating at Queens. We don't have news of any other changes. Doctors cannot give us complete answers only to say "we don't know" with each question we have. This is a time of adjustment, of letting go (which is very difficult) and with being extremely flexible. For Brooke, please pray that she would not let the depression overtake her, that she would be miraculously healed and be a good witness for HIS Kingdom. For Tex and I we ask that you pray for physical strength, no sickness, deep restful sleep at night and that we would remember to put God first.
I have been thinking of Joseph in the Old Testament. I can relate to him as I feel Brooke some times is our "Joseph". Joseph never did anything wrong to get all the worse scenarios possible. Yet he took each trial and made the best of it. To tell you the truth, I'm not Joseph. I don't like where we are and I want it to change immediately. But for some reason God has us here and I am learning to grasp on to those little moments He gives us. I call them our Rainbow Moments. Someone unexpectedly sends a card, or calls, or brings lunch, or just drops by. Someone who gives of their time so easily without any restraints - that's a biggie now a days!
Brooke is more of the Joseph. She gets down when it's not going well and then she'll smile and thank all the nurses, respiratory staff, etc who are helping her. She is always smiling at them even with needles and tubes protruding from all parts of her. Even after choking and being suctioned - which believe me is NOT pleasant, she smiles and says thank you! It amazes me. I guess that's what you would call "grace" - she is full of grace for what she has been through.
Tex is more of a Joseph too. He is extremely helpful and so tender with her and me. I am truly blessed to have him as my mate. It is difficult for him to see his little girl struggling at times to breathe, not being able to open her hand, not being able to hear her say "dad". Just this morning when he heard her voice for the first time his eyes were brimming with tears. He didn't care who saw them and everyone in that room was touched. He is a great example to everyone there of what a husband and father should be. Just like Joseph a good example.
I am learning much from Brooke and Tex; and God is still using all of us just where we are. Continue to pray for a miracle healing!
I have been thinking of Joseph in the Old Testament. I can relate to him as I feel Brooke some times is our "Joseph". Joseph never did anything wrong to get all the worse scenarios possible. Yet he took each trial and made the best of it. To tell you the truth, I'm not Joseph. I don't like where we are and I want it to change immediately. But for some reason God has us here and I am learning to grasp on to those little moments He gives us. I call them our Rainbow Moments. Someone unexpectedly sends a card, or calls, or brings lunch, or just drops by. Someone who gives of their time so easily without any restraints - that's a biggie now a days!
Brooke is more of the Joseph. She gets down when it's not going well and then she'll smile and thank all the nurses, respiratory staff, etc who are helping her. She is always smiling at them even with needles and tubes protruding from all parts of her. Even after choking and being suctioned - which believe me is NOT pleasant, she smiles and says thank you! It amazes me. I guess that's what you would call "grace" - she is full of grace for what she has been through.
Tex is more of a Joseph too. He is extremely helpful and so tender with her and me. I am truly blessed to have him as my mate. It is difficult for him to see his little girl struggling at times to breathe, not being able to open her hand, not being able to hear her say "dad". Just this morning when he heard her voice for the first time his eyes were brimming with tears. He didn't care who saw them and everyone in that room was touched. He is a great example to everyone there of what a husband and father should be. Just like Joseph a good example.
I am learning much from Brooke and Tex; and God is still using all of us just where we are. Continue to pray for a miracle healing!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Until there is no more breath
All day I was reading Matthew 15:21-28 about the faith of the Canaanite woman. Here is a mother like me. She loves her daughter. She takes seriously her job of helping, protecting and mothering this child. It doesn't say how old the daughter is and it doesn't matter. That is what a mom does until there is no more breath in her.
Her daughter is ill (demon possessed). My daughter is ill (possessed by some thing no one is sure what to do about. The options are limited. Doctors knowledge is limited. So just like the canaanite woman, I am going to the Great Physician. Please join me.
She cries, it says, for mercy - "have mercy on me". I cry for the same, have mercy on me as I fall on my face before You Lord. Have mercy, have mercy! It is my duty to relentlessly petition God for Brooke. I feel exhausted yet until there is no more breath in me, I will cry out "have mercy".
This story of the canaanite woman gives me hope. Jesus' mission was to bring the good news to the Jews. Yet He took the time to go to a Gentile city to meet this Gentile woman. It shows His love, His compassion. She is an intercessor - like me. Her daughters' needs become her needs - like me. She is dedicated, filled with perseverance. I pray for that dedication, for her perseverance. Run the race to the end. Do not give up - persevere, persevere.
She is humble (something I am working on). She knows her place, she accepts her low status before the King of Kings but she continues to ask, to cry out to beg "have mercy, heal my child".
I am weeping as I write this. I want a healing for Brooke and I want it now! Is it to much to ask? Will it be granted? Have mercy and heal my child. Have mercy and take her pain away. Have mercy and give her hope. Restore her body, bring forth a miracle and do it now, Lord Jesus!
You are my God, my Savior. You are the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace the Great I Am. We worship You! We cling to You for You are God! There is no one like You!
Here is the update on Brooke: Tomorrow (thursday) evening at 8:00 p.m. Dr. Adachi will do a traecheotomy on Brooke. She explained it will be complexed. She is anticipating much swelling in the area and it will take a long while for her to be able to swallow or talk. Remember everyone, she said Brooke is a complex case. They will also have to put in a feeding tube through her nose.
Brooke is emotionally devastated. I could see the depression and fear! She wrote this morning "why didn't you let me die". This is not Brooke.
My heart is aching right now. I try to hold back the tears. Tex and I try to be very positive. This is going to be a long journey. There will be much changes. There will be much physical pain involved for Brooke. She will once again have to adjust her hopes and dreams.
I will pray until there is no more breath in me. I will be here for her until there is no more breath in me. I will not stop petitioning and asking God for mercy until there is no more breath in me. I will be her mother until there is no more breath in me.
I love You Lord. You are my strength, my rock, my fortress & deliverer. I take refuge in you. I call upon You who is worthy to be praised.
Pray my fellow friends. Pray for a healing. Pray that God would intervene in a miraculous way. Pray for His peace over Brooke and that He would speak clearly to her. Pray until there is no more breath in you.
Her daughter is ill (demon possessed). My daughter is ill (possessed by some thing no one is sure what to do about. The options are limited. Doctors knowledge is limited. So just like the canaanite woman, I am going to the Great Physician. Please join me.
She cries, it says, for mercy - "have mercy on me". I cry for the same, have mercy on me as I fall on my face before You Lord. Have mercy, have mercy! It is my duty to relentlessly petition God for Brooke. I feel exhausted yet until there is no more breath in me, I will cry out "have mercy".
This story of the canaanite woman gives me hope. Jesus' mission was to bring the good news to the Jews. Yet He took the time to go to a Gentile city to meet this Gentile woman. It shows His love, His compassion. She is an intercessor - like me. Her daughters' needs become her needs - like me. She is dedicated, filled with perseverance. I pray for that dedication, for her perseverance. Run the race to the end. Do not give up - persevere, persevere.
She is humble (something I am working on). She knows her place, she accepts her low status before the King of Kings but she continues to ask, to cry out to beg "have mercy, heal my child".
I am weeping as I write this. I want a healing for Brooke and I want it now! Is it to much to ask? Will it be granted? Have mercy and heal my child. Have mercy and take her pain away. Have mercy and give her hope. Restore her body, bring forth a miracle and do it now, Lord Jesus!
You are my God, my Savior. You are the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace the Great I Am. We worship You! We cling to You for You are God! There is no one like You!
Here is the update on Brooke: Tomorrow (thursday) evening at 8:00 p.m. Dr. Adachi will do a traecheotomy on Brooke. She explained it will be complexed. She is anticipating much swelling in the area and it will take a long while for her to be able to swallow or talk. Remember everyone, she said Brooke is a complex case. They will also have to put in a feeding tube through her nose.
Brooke is emotionally devastated. I could see the depression and fear! She wrote this morning "why didn't you let me die". This is not Brooke.
My heart is aching right now. I try to hold back the tears. Tex and I try to be very positive. This is going to be a long journey. There will be much changes. There will be much physical pain involved for Brooke. She will once again have to adjust her hopes and dreams.
I will pray until there is no more breath in me. I will be here for her until there is no more breath in me. I will not stop petitioning and asking God for mercy until there is no more breath in me. I will be her mother until there is no more breath in me.
I love You Lord. You are my strength, my rock, my fortress & deliverer. I take refuge in you. I call upon You who is worthy to be praised.
Pray my fellow friends. Pray for a healing. Pray that God would intervene in a miraculous way. Pray for His peace over Brooke and that He would speak clearly to her. Pray until there is no more breath in you.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
As for God His way is perfect....
Who can fathom the ways of God? As this journey progresses we find ourselves weak and strong (does that make sense?), overwhelmed but not giving up.
Brooke is now in Queens Hospital. She was admitted on Wednesday, May 18th. Our cardiologist at Pali Momi asked us to take her to see Dr. Fiack, a pulmonologist here at Queens. Here we were just getting used to Pali Momi and all the new and wonderful physicians there and now we're in a new hospital getting used to all the rules, times, staff and logistics. I've been telling everyone Queens should give out portable GPS' to everyone to find their way around this hospital. It's like a huge maze. The staff is wonderful though. They can tell when we look like we're lost and are ready to help. They tell us they even still get lost.
So we settled in to Queens (the 6th hospital on Oahu we've become familiar with on our journey with Brooke). Tests were getting done; one doctor after another, respiratory techs, etc. all coming and going from her room. Busy, busy, busy and then saturday morning at 8:30 everything changed. For some unknown reason she had a seizure, heart stopped, etc.
If you've ever watched the Discovery Health Channel and seen what happens when someone's heart stops, it's all really like that. I was asked if I wanted to leave the room but I wanted to stay and pray. I can honestly say it made me wonder if we do too much. There were moments I wanted to scream "STOP"- "ENOUGH" but my lips were moving "have mercy, thy will be done". It was brutal, it was rough. Is this Your perfect plan Lord?
After the ventilator was put in, Brooke was thrust into her new reality. It's not pleasant. There are new words in our vocabulary, ventilatory, tracheotomy, CO2, MRI, blood gases - the list goes on
We are now 5 days into God's plan. As Psalm 18 reverberates through my mind "As for God His Way is Perfect" I must admit I do ask, "how much more?" This is very painful to watch, it is extremely painful to discuss what may or may not happen. You feel helpless, you cry and just when you think you have no more tears, more tears come. And you look around and you see life goes on - graduations and weddings happening, meetings, parties, summer school and summer vacations and I wonder - what will 2011 be like for us.
And altho meaning well, someone will say "it's a new path for you" - well guess what I don't like it and I wouldn't choose it!!
So I leave you with this ..... "As for God His way is perfect" and I've come to this conclusion about this scripture. His perfect way means to persevere, taking one step at a time holding on to His hand. His way is perfect means, when it comes crushing down around me and my heart is breaking, I keep my eyes on Him. His way is perfect means I fill myself up with His Word and His promises. And although I thought I would never say this, I find it hard to concentrate on His Word these days, but I know I must read it, hold it and look at it.
With tears filling my eyes and sobs coming from my lips, I take one step at a time remembering He loves Brooke more than I do and He does have the best plan for her, even if it's not what I would have chosen.
I remind myself He is my shield, His arms strengthen me, His right hand sustains me and this is what He wants us to go through right now.
Love to you all
Brooke is now in Queens Hospital. She was admitted on Wednesday, May 18th. Our cardiologist at Pali Momi asked us to take her to see Dr. Fiack, a pulmonologist here at Queens. Here we were just getting used to Pali Momi and all the new and wonderful physicians there and now we're in a new hospital getting used to all the rules, times, staff and logistics. I've been telling everyone Queens should give out portable GPS' to everyone to find their way around this hospital. It's like a huge maze. The staff is wonderful though. They can tell when we look like we're lost and are ready to help. They tell us they even still get lost.
So we settled in to Queens (the 6th hospital on Oahu we've become familiar with on our journey with Brooke). Tests were getting done; one doctor after another, respiratory techs, etc. all coming and going from her room. Busy, busy, busy and then saturday morning at 8:30 everything changed. For some unknown reason she had a seizure, heart stopped, etc.
If you've ever watched the Discovery Health Channel and seen what happens when someone's heart stops, it's all really like that. I was asked if I wanted to leave the room but I wanted to stay and pray. I can honestly say it made me wonder if we do too much. There were moments I wanted to scream "STOP"- "ENOUGH" but my lips were moving "have mercy, thy will be done". It was brutal, it was rough. Is this Your perfect plan Lord?
After the ventilator was put in, Brooke was thrust into her new reality. It's not pleasant. There are new words in our vocabulary, ventilatory, tracheotomy, CO2, MRI, blood gases - the list goes on
We are now 5 days into God's plan. As Psalm 18 reverberates through my mind "As for God His Way is Perfect" I must admit I do ask, "how much more?" This is very painful to watch, it is extremely painful to discuss what may or may not happen. You feel helpless, you cry and just when you think you have no more tears, more tears come. And you look around and you see life goes on - graduations and weddings happening, meetings, parties, summer school and summer vacations and I wonder - what will 2011 be like for us.
And altho meaning well, someone will say "it's a new path for you" - well guess what I don't like it and I wouldn't choose it!!
So I leave you with this ..... "As for God His way is perfect" and I've come to this conclusion about this scripture. His perfect way means to persevere, taking one step at a time holding on to His hand. His way is perfect means, when it comes crushing down around me and my heart is breaking, I keep my eyes on Him. His way is perfect means I fill myself up with His Word and His promises. And although I thought I would never say this, I find it hard to concentrate on His Word these days, but I know I must read it, hold it and look at it.
With tears filling my eyes and sobs coming from my lips, I take one step at a time remembering He loves Brooke more than I do and He does have the best plan for her, even if it's not what I would have chosen.
I remind myself He is my shield, His arms strengthen me, His right hand sustains me and this is what He wants us to go through right now.
Love to you all
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Grateful for the little things
Some times we can get so caught up in life. We hurry here, scurry there, fret over our children, bug our husbands, lament if we miss out on something, freak when we put on some pounds; and we are forever looking for that "great" deal. Do you ever think on all the things we should be so grateful about? Go ahead sit down and make a list.
Since our devastating diagnosis about Brooke's heart and lungs, I have begun to make a list about things I wouldn't necessarily be grateful for. Take a look...
I am grateful for baby monitors. My youngest is 23 and to tell you the truth I've never owned a baby monitor. But since Brooke can't yell very loud or get out of bed by herself any more, having a baby monitor brings me peace of mind. This little gadget enables me to be able to hear her every move. It enables me to hear her laughter when she's watching something funny on television, or be able to respond in a flash if she needs help. It also enables me to hear some thing I never thought I'd be grateful for...SNORING!!!
Yes, I'm grateful for snoring. I never thought I'd say this! In fact just a few weeks ago, I would "gently", did I say gently?, nudge my husband and ask him to turn over ! And then try forever to get back to sleep. Never did I think I'd say I'm grateful for snoring - but God showed me just how special snoring is. When I hear Brooke snoring I know she is still alive and here with me on earth. She is still mine for this "snoring" moment. Yes, yes, yes, I love snoring!!
I am grateful for Hagen Daz Vanilla Swiss Almond and Rum Raisin ice cream. No, I'm not grateful for the calories but I am grateful for the comfort I get from this delicious tasting treat. I never thought it would, but it actually brings a smile to my face. A little spoonful here , a little spoonful there and I can feel my body relaxing, enjoying the moment. I'm grateful for the fleeting comfort it brings me.
I am grateful for dirty laundry. Now you're thinking "she's lost it" but no I truly love doing laundry these days. If you've heard me say this before, bear with me. Laundry is a mindless task. I don't have to think too hard to do it; and there's a beginning and an end. I love taking the clothes from the dryer and one by one folding them on my large counter. I smooth out all the wrinkles - perhaps subconciously trying to smooth out all the bumps we are going through right now. And then I fold each item. I take Brooke's clothes and fold them ever so carefully which gives me time to think back on all the memories we've made together. I am grateful for laundry time.
Those are just a few of the silly things I am grateful about. Then there's the "eternally grateful" ones.
My eternally grateful ones are those who are praying for us, to Kathy and Susan who stayed with Brooke on thursday so I could go to my last Bible Study Fellowship Class, there's Leslie who gave up going to church on sunday to sit with Brooke so Tex and I could worship together, there's Sue who got me to get out and walk with her, there's Susie and Diane who each made us a meal, there's my sister who comes when a call is made, the Simpson's who brought baby Joshua for Brooke to hold, Jan who sat and chatted with Brooke, Dr. Dave who patiently answers our questions.....my list goes on and on. Those who cry with us. I am eternally grateful for my husband who steps up and helps whenever he is needed.
My Pastor who preaches the Word and of course my Lord and Savior who brings all those grateful things and people into our lives just when we need them.
Update on Brooke. She went to bed on Friday evening at 9:00 p.m. and didn't fully awake until 5:00 p.m. on saturday! Was I in a panic? Yes - I sat in her room for quite a while wondering what was going on, praying and crying. Watching her breathing, touching her and hoping this would quickly pass. She stayed up from 5:00 till 8:00 and then back to sleep again. Couldn't get her awake enough to go to church with us. Got her out of bed at noon and she sat up until 2:00 then back to bed until 5:00 for dinner in bed. It is better today (Sunday) she is more awake but still retaining fluid and off and on running a low grade fever. Her pulmonologist wants us to take her to the Mayo Clinic for a consult before we proceed with putting a port in her for IV medicine which once put it would have to remain for the rest of her life. Hmmmm. Not sure when we can leave and if she will be able physically to make the trip. Will keep you all posted.
Right now I am grateful another day is passing by and I am looking upward to Christ for my strength.
Grateful....
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Though I Walk Through The Valley
How does one begin to tell your child that her life is going to change in a way that no parent wants to venture into. Our job is to protect our children. Yet you realize you are faced with a job you do not relish. We are faced with the job of telling our precious daughter Brooke that although she has lived 30 years with a painful, chronic, debilitating disease she now faces an even tougher enemy.
Though I walk through this valley, I must remember that when bringing the news to her it must be truthful. There will be tears, disbelief, confusion and many questions, ones I know I do not want to answer, we cannot deny her the truth. She deserves to know in part what lies ahead even though I do not quite know all that is ahead. She must prepare, do what she needs to do, say what she needs to say,partake of life to the fullest as this wretched diagnosis will allow her to. She must make the choice even though every fiber in me says protect her,shield her, guard her every moment. This is one time we must walk through that valley with her.
Brooke was just diagnosed with a severe case of pulmonary hypertension in both lungs. There is no cure. There is no medicine to take to improve it at this time. She must be on oxygen 24/7 to bring her relief and make her life bearable for a time. Only God knows any type of timetable, but the doctors, although extremely kind and considerate, know that the outcome does not look promising. They will assist in allowing her to live as comfortably as possible while they scour the globe looking for something promising. They will put in every effort to try to hold back the inevitable this unforgiving disease will bring.
There is no magic pill, no surgery to correct this except maybe a heart lung transplant, no exercise or diet that will take this disease away. And so now we will wait, we will watch, we will hope, we will sing, we will laugh, we will enjoy each and every moment.
It came as such a surprise. Those months and years of her complaining of her chest hurting and feeling heavy. It is here and it comes with a vengeance. As I watch her breathing so differently from just 7 days ago I am amazed at how quickly things have changed for her. She is home, on oxygen. We thought the wheelchair was cumbersome , now there will be an oxygen tank attached to it with tubing around her face to bring pure clean air.
We have told her this is severe, there is no cure. We have told her this will not stop us from helping her to enjoy life to the fullest. It will take more ingenuity, more strength, more stamina, more leaning on God for every minute of every day, more helping hands, but we will do it for her and with her.
I do not want to walk through this valley. I want to flee from it. As I write this, even the word "flee" does not express the mother urge in me that wants to whisk her away to that place of sugar and spice and all things nice. But it is not to be. So I will take her hand in mine,holding on to it tightly and step by step we will walk together through this valley.
Though we walk through the valley, we also remember the faithfulness of God. We do not understand all this but we do know who holds us in the palm of His hand. We do know where our hope comes from. We do know His mercies are new every morning. We are thankful we know HIM.
Though I walk through this valley, I must remember that when bringing the news to her it must be truthful. There will be tears, disbelief, confusion and many questions, ones I know I do not want to answer, we cannot deny her the truth. She deserves to know in part what lies ahead even though I do not quite know all that is ahead. She must prepare, do what she needs to do, say what she needs to say,partake of life to the fullest as this wretched diagnosis will allow her to. She must make the choice even though every fiber in me says protect her,shield her, guard her every moment. This is one time we must walk through that valley with her.
Brooke was just diagnosed with a severe case of pulmonary hypertension in both lungs. There is no cure. There is no medicine to take to improve it at this time. She must be on oxygen 24/7 to bring her relief and make her life bearable for a time. Only God knows any type of timetable, but the doctors, although extremely kind and considerate, know that the outcome does not look promising. They will assist in allowing her to live as comfortably as possible while they scour the globe looking for something promising. They will put in every effort to try to hold back the inevitable this unforgiving disease will bring.
There is no magic pill, no surgery to correct this except maybe a heart lung transplant, no exercise or diet that will take this disease away. And so now we will wait, we will watch, we will hope, we will sing, we will laugh, we will enjoy each and every moment.
It came as such a surprise. Those months and years of her complaining of her chest hurting and feeling heavy. It is here and it comes with a vengeance. As I watch her breathing so differently from just 7 days ago I am amazed at how quickly things have changed for her. She is home, on oxygen. We thought the wheelchair was cumbersome , now there will be an oxygen tank attached to it with tubing around her face to bring pure clean air.
We have told her this is severe, there is no cure. We have told her this will not stop us from helping her to enjoy life to the fullest. It will take more ingenuity, more strength, more stamina, more leaning on God for every minute of every day, more helping hands, but we will do it for her and with her.
I do not want to walk through this valley. I want to flee from it. As I write this, even the word "flee" does not express the mother urge in me that wants to whisk her away to that place of sugar and spice and all things nice. But it is not to be. So I will take her hand in mine,holding on to it tightly and step by step we will walk together through this valley.
Though we walk through the valley, we also remember the faithfulness of God. We do not understand all this but we do know who holds us in the palm of His hand. We do know where our hope comes from. We do know His mercies are new every morning. We are thankful we know HIM.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Yokes....
I wasn't planning on posting another blog but the Lord has other ideas. This morning is a beautiful day with blue skies, wispy white clouds and a light breeze; and as I was sitting with the Lord He spoke so clearly to me. He drew me to Isaiah 58 again! Verses 9-10..as many of us are fasting and praying this week for the upcoming Easter services the Lord impressed upon me from verse 9 "If you remove the yoke from your midst"....what are my yokes? Those things that keep me from a pure, true fellowship with God. Those yokes that hinder relationships, stop the fruitfulness in my life, restrict my ministries, allow confusion, discontent, mistrust, etc. It was a time of digging deep - breaking up the fallow ground - and desiring to become more intimate with the Lord. And as always, God was so faithful He began to show me those "yokes" in my life.
Then in verse 10 God showed me what should replace those yokes - serving others! He says "give yourself to the hungry, satisfy the desire of the afflicted". Ask yourself this question "Who has God put on my heart or in my life that is hungry (not just physically hungry) or afflicted?" How does God want me to help them? And here comes the best part....
Verse 10 says "then our lights will rise in the darkness and your gloom will become like midday". Those days of negative thoughts &, despondency will be dimmed and replaced with light from Him. "The Lord will continually guide us and satisfy our desire in scorched places. All those areas in our lives that are dead because of our unbelief, lack of faith, sin, etc those areas will be alive again because He will give us strength to go forth in those areas! And we will be like a watered garden - have you ever seen a garden that is so well maintained? It teems with fruit and flowers, it is beautiful and alive ...God is saying this is how our lives will be once we get rid of those "yokes"!
Wow, just writing all that made me excited again. Those yokes keep us from living that abundant life God has for us! Ask Him today "show me my yokes" and then get rid of them by repenting and leaving them at His feet! Let's live our lives as those "watered gardens and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail".....until next time!
Then in verse 10 God showed me what should replace those yokes - serving others! He says "give yourself to the hungry, satisfy the desire of the afflicted". Ask yourself this question "Who has God put on my heart or in my life that is hungry (not just physically hungry) or afflicted?" How does God want me to help them? And here comes the best part....
Verse 10 says "then our lights will rise in the darkness and your gloom will become like midday". Those days of negative thoughts &, despondency will be dimmed and replaced with light from Him. "The Lord will continually guide us and satisfy our desire in scorched places. All those areas in our lives that are dead because of our unbelief, lack of faith, sin, etc those areas will be alive again because He will give us strength to go forth in those areas! And we will be like a watered garden - have you ever seen a garden that is so well maintained? It teems with fruit and flowers, it is beautiful and alive ...God is saying this is how our lives will be once we get rid of those "yokes"!
Wow, just writing all that made me excited again. Those yokes keep us from living that abundant life God has for us! Ask Him today "show me my yokes" and then get rid of them by repenting and leaving them at His feet! Let's live our lives as those "watered gardens and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail".....until next time!
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Jesus Way
Many people think of Easter as colored eggs in baskets filled with chocolate candies all delivered by a big, white, fuzzy being called the Easter Bunny. But for christians, Easter is one of the most significant and meaningful days of the year. Our Lord & Savior laid down His life to atone for our sins so we could live with Him eternally in heaven. Jesus went through much suffering before that first Easter morning. Each step in His journey had meanings and messages for us. One gift to us are the first words Jesus spoke as He hung on that cross. Jesus said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". Forgive. After suffering physical pain, emotional hurt, ridicule, falsely accused, rejection, being belittled, abandonment, public humiliation, and treated so unfairly, Jesus asks that God the Father forgive them! In essence what He is showing us is that forgiving others, no matter what they have done to us, is essential. It is the christian way, or what I like to call the Jesus Way.
Forgiveness is not something we can do on our own. It takes holding firmly on to the hand of God, remembering His words on forgiveness and walking in obedience to what He is requiring of us.
I don't know about you but for me forgiving a non-believer isn't that difficult. I merely say to myself "of course they behave like that they don't know Jesus"; and then I proceed to pray for them with much passion. Feeling ever so pious, I pat myself on the back and say "That's the Jesus Way".
But how do I respond when it's another believer who has hurt me? How about when your husband, sibling or child hurts you? I'd like to think that I would instantly forgive them, seek reconciliation, pray blessings upon them and then never think of the incident again. That's the Jesus Way - He forgives me as soon as I repent, I then have complete fellowship with Him, He continues to bless me and He forgets my sins and never brings them up again. They are immediately forgotten, I have a clean slate.
Why do I find it harder to forgive another believer? David's words echo in my mind as I recall the last time I was in that situation. Psalm 55:12-14 "For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, than I could bear it, nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend; we who had sweet fellowship together, walked in the house of God in the throng". Even David had a hard time and yes I could grab on to David's words and dwell there for quite a while - in fact I have! But the One who suffered for me so I could live a life without fear, a life filled with hope and promises uttered "forgive them" as He hung on that cross. He forgives so I must forgive. Can I do anything less for Jesus?
It's not always an easy way but the Jesus Way is the best way.
Forgiveness is not something we can do on our own. It takes holding firmly on to the hand of God, remembering His words on forgiveness and walking in obedience to what He is requiring of us.
I don't know about you but for me forgiving a non-believer isn't that difficult. I merely say to myself "of course they behave like that they don't know Jesus"; and then I proceed to pray for them with much passion. Feeling ever so pious, I pat myself on the back and say "That's the Jesus Way".
But how do I respond when it's another believer who has hurt me? How about when your husband, sibling or child hurts you? I'd like to think that I would instantly forgive them, seek reconciliation, pray blessings upon them and then never think of the incident again. That's the Jesus Way - He forgives me as soon as I repent, I then have complete fellowship with Him, He continues to bless me and He forgets my sins and never brings them up again. They are immediately forgotten, I have a clean slate.
Why do I find it harder to forgive another believer? David's words echo in my mind as I recall the last time I was in that situation. Psalm 55:12-14 "For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, than I could bear it, nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend; we who had sweet fellowship together, walked in the house of God in the throng". Even David had a hard time and yes I could grab on to David's words and dwell there for quite a while - in fact I have! But the One who suffered for me so I could live a life without fear, a life filled with hope and promises uttered "forgive them" as He hung on that cross. He forgives so I must forgive. Can I do anything less for Jesus?
It's not always an easy way but the Jesus Way is the best way.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Delilah
Here it is a beautiful day with the skies a beautiful blue, white billowy clouds, warm sunshine and light tradewinds! Beauty all around me. Serenity too - it's quiet with only the breeze rustling through the trees.
Yet, my God has something to show me. I told myself when I started this blog that I would be transparent. I would share the good, the bad and the ugly about me. Ouch - am I ready for this? Well here goes....
"It came about when she pressed him daily with her words and urged him, that his soul was annoyed to death" Judges 16:16. Ever heard of Delilah? No not the one in Tom Jones' song (am I dating myself) but the woman who was so instrumental in bringing ruin to Samson? This scripture is talking about that Delilah and her relationship with Samson.
I am a woman of many words. I love to talk - what woman doesn't! When the Lord showed me this scripture I felt He was speaking about me. I know you're saying "no way" - ha ha ha! But truthfully, sometimes I can talk, talk and talk to my husband about finishing our on-going, unfinished projects that I truly believe, after reading Judges 16, that "his soul is annoyed to death". UGH!
What possesses me to behave like this? Is it my desire to control every and all situations? Yes. Is it because I feel I know what's best for us, for him? Yes. Is it that I feel I am justified in "pressing him daily" because some projects have been in the works for years and years? Yes, yes, yes! Don't you feel I'm right? Do you feel my pain?
Well God says I am like Delilah - ewwwwwh! I don't want to have any characteristics like Delilah. I want to be remembered for being a woman after God's own heart! And so, after my time with the Lord, trying to justify my behavior, I finally got it. God gives me these desires, these characteristics - like loving to talk, loving to be in charge, loving to make sure everyone's life is the way I want it to be; but He also gives me the Holy Spirit to guide me in the way to use these strengths. When I go on my own fuel, then I sput, choke, rant and rave. When I go on the Holy Spirits fuel/power, then I can take these strengths along with the fruit of the spirit (joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control) and walk in faithfulness with God. Does that mean those projects will get done? When it's God's timing. Well it took God 25 years before He gave Abraham and Sarah their child, and it took 40 years according to God's timing to take the Israelites out of the desert, it took hundreds of years of captivity before they returned to Jerusalem - so I guess I don't have anything to complain about!!!
God's timing, God's way. Ever feel you're a Delilah? Are you trying to control your husband's life, or maybe you've given up on him and you're working on the kids? Let's run together from the Delilah in us! See ya!
Yet, my God has something to show me. I told myself when I started this blog that I would be transparent. I would share the good, the bad and the ugly about me. Ouch - am I ready for this? Well here goes....
"It came about when she pressed him daily with her words and urged him, that his soul was annoyed to death" Judges 16:16. Ever heard of Delilah? No not the one in Tom Jones' song (am I dating myself) but the woman who was so instrumental in bringing ruin to Samson? This scripture is talking about that Delilah and her relationship with Samson.
I am a woman of many words. I love to talk - what woman doesn't! When the Lord showed me this scripture I felt He was speaking about me. I know you're saying "no way" - ha ha ha! But truthfully, sometimes I can talk, talk and talk to my husband about finishing our on-going, unfinished projects that I truly believe, after reading Judges 16, that "his soul is annoyed to death". UGH!
What possesses me to behave like this? Is it my desire to control every and all situations? Yes. Is it because I feel I know what's best for us, for him? Yes. Is it that I feel I am justified in "pressing him daily" because some projects have been in the works for years and years? Yes, yes, yes! Don't you feel I'm right? Do you feel my pain?
Well God says I am like Delilah - ewwwwwh! I don't want to have any characteristics like Delilah. I want to be remembered for being a woman after God's own heart! And so, after my time with the Lord, trying to justify my behavior, I finally got it. God gives me these desires, these characteristics - like loving to talk, loving to be in charge, loving to make sure everyone's life is the way I want it to be; but He also gives me the Holy Spirit to guide me in the way to use these strengths. When I go on my own fuel, then I sput, choke, rant and rave. When I go on the Holy Spirits fuel/power, then I can take these strengths along with the fruit of the spirit (joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control) and walk in faithfulness with God. Does that mean those projects will get done? When it's God's timing. Well it took God 25 years before He gave Abraham and Sarah their child, and it took 40 years according to God's timing to take the Israelites out of the desert, it took hundreds of years of captivity before they returned to Jerusalem - so I guess I don't have anything to complain about!!!
God's timing, God's way. Ever feel you're a Delilah? Are you trying to control your husband's life, or maybe you've given up on him and you're working on the kids? Let's run together from the Delilah in us! See ya!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tender Grass Ministries
Well today is a first for me. The Lord has been putting it upon my heart to begin writing and sharing what HE is showing me through living life! HE's been after me for quite some time to start sharing but alas I have been slow to obey. After HE began showing me what HE has done for me these last 25 plus years (no I'm not 25 years old!!) I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, some of the things God has been sharing with me might help someone else. If anything, I begin Tender Grass Ministries in total obedience to God. If only my children read this then I can say "my cup runneth over".
You might ask what is with the name Tender Grass Ministries? In 2Samuel 23:4 it says a man who rules righteously "is as the light of the morning when the sun rises, a morning without clouds, when the tender grass springs out of the earth". That's what God said to call this blog site. Here is my very first blog ....
"Listen to Me....." I am studying the book of Isaiah and throughout Isaiah God says "listen to Me, listen, listen. If you have children or someone you dearly love, you have said those same words. Not because you want to be heard, but because you had something important to say. It is the same with God. He is trying to get our attention. I need to stop and ask myself, am I listening for God? Am I teachable when HE speaks? He calls for us to stop and listen. Did you know if you take all the same letters in the word listen they also spell "silent"? Can we hear Him when there is so much going on in our lives? Are we ever silent so His whisper or roaring words can be heard? God said listen to Him so we will trust Him even when we can't see Him. Even when we feel darkness around us, He is there. Listen for Me, He says. When the trial He has allowed into your life seems so overwhelming will you stop, be silent and listen to hear what He has for you?
2Samuel 22b says "Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, listening to Him much better than offering the fat of rams". Listening to God is important to God. When we listen to Him we are also obeying Him and obedience brings glory to Him.
Well that's my very first blog to all of you - whoever you are. If you are reading this it is because God impressed upon your hearts to come and be fed. Remember, be fervent in prayer but also be silent to hear what He is trying to tell you. love, sharon
You might ask what is with the name Tender Grass Ministries? In 2Samuel 23:4 it says a man who rules righteously "is as the light of the morning when the sun rises, a morning without clouds, when the tender grass springs out of the earth". That's what God said to call this blog site. Here is my very first blog ....
"Listen to Me....." I am studying the book of Isaiah and throughout Isaiah God says "listen to Me, listen, listen. If you have children or someone you dearly love, you have said those same words. Not because you want to be heard, but because you had something important to say. It is the same with God. He is trying to get our attention. I need to stop and ask myself, am I listening for God? Am I teachable when HE speaks? He calls for us to stop and listen. Did you know if you take all the same letters in the word listen they also spell "silent"? Can we hear Him when there is so much going on in our lives? Are we ever silent so His whisper or roaring words can be heard? God said listen to Him so we will trust Him even when we can't see Him. Even when we feel darkness around us, He is there. Listen for Me, He says. When the trial He has allowed into your life seems so overwhelming will you stop, be silent and listen to hear what He has for you?
2Samuel 22b says "Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, listening to Him much better than offering the fat of rams". Listening to God is important to God. When we listen to Him we are also obeying Him and obedience brings glory to Him.
Well that's my very first blog to all of you - whoever you are. If you are reading this it is because God impressed upon your hearts to come and be fed. Remember, be fervent in prayer but also be silent to hear what He is trying to tell you. love, sharon
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