Sunday, June 26, 2016

It was harder than I thought

June 26, 2016

I didn't think I would be blogging so soon, but here I am.  I wrote yesterday of all the momentos and treasures I was keeping in my koa chest.  Today, is our 40th wedding anniversary and I decided it was time to go through this 12x12 box I kept all these papers from Jeremy's death.  There were the death certificates, autopsy report, police reports, news articles, many condolence cards, letters from people all over the place.  What do we need to keep and what can we now bring ourselves to let go of.

It wasn't easy.  Tex built a fire in our little outdoor firepit and we both sat there, reading through all the condolence cards and letters.  So many thoughtful comments, it reminded me how sad it is that email and texting have replaced sending cards.  They mean so much more.

One by one I read through them.  Some I couldn't remember who the people were, but I was still grateful they sent those messages.  Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached.  After all this time, I still grieve for my son.

It wasn't easy watching a fire consume all those papers.  Thoughts taking me back to that firey crash.  His body laying on the side of the road.  Me not being there to comfort him.  Him dying alone in the emergency room.  I want the fire to consume my thoughts.  I don't want to go there any more, but yet my son is always a part of me.

Lord, consume me with your holy fire.  Help me to remember all your promises.  You hold us in the palm of Your hands, You love us with an everlasting love, You fill us with hope,  Your love consumes us just as the flames consume those papers!  My hope is in You.

I don't know what others do without the Lord.  I could not have survived all these years without God's promises and the fact that one day, my son and I will be reunited in heaven.  Peace everlasting, no more tears, no more sorrow, just an all consuming love.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

A Chest of Memories

June 25, 2016

I have a big koa chest in my home where I put cherished items into.  Hoping one day my children will want to have them and treasure them as I do.  Today, I had my husband move the chest from our bedroom to the living room.  The reason I decided to have it moved is because it is a beautiful piece of koa furniture.  I want everyone to enjoy the beauty of it.  Before we could bring it downstairs (it's quite heavy) we had to empty it out.  I had not realized how much stuff I was accumulating.  Little story books, Brooke's cabbage patch dolls from the 80's (she tells me they are worth something), Trey's little league and popwarner jersey's,pictures, etc. Brooke's girl scout vest with all her patches!  Things I treasure and kept from Jeremy.  There was more. An american flag with 48 stars from Tex's fathers memorial service.

 As I went through each item, the memories flooded back.  Especially the box labeled "Jeremy".  Inside this box were all the condolence cards given to us, the newspaper articles of the tragic accident, his wallet, some things from high school, his last year book.  Seems like yesterday.  I began wondering if it's about time to get rid of some of these things.  Memories of Jeremy will never leave me, unless alzheimers sets in, but are these things really treasures.  Will Brooke and Trey want them- I doubt it.

I remember Tex and his sister going through their mom's things after she passed away.  The things she thought were so dear to her, they didn't feel the same way.  So why do we hang on to things?

I began to ask myself, "why are you holding on to these things"??  Why not frame some and put them out for others to enjoy, like that 48 star flag?  Why not get rid of those condolence cards, but of course read them all one last time.  It is time to say goodbye to those.  The news articles of the accident, I think I will let Brooke and Trey read them and then decide if they want them.  I remember every bit of information from those articles.  They will never leave my mind. Memorabilia is ok for a while I have determined, but now it is time to clean it out.  God has new things for me, He says so in His Word "Do not ponder things of the past, behold I am going to do something new with you.  Will you not be aware of it? Isaiah"  I can't see the something new if I am cluttered with stuff from the past.

So today I am taking a giant step.  I am cleaning out that chest.  I wonder what new things God will have me put in from time to time.  I am excited to see the "Something New" He has for me.