Sunday, June 26, 2016

It was harder than I thought

June 26, 2016

I didn't think I would be blogging so soon, but here I am.  I wrote yesterday of all the momentos and treasures I was keeping in my koa chest.  Today, is our 40th wedding anniversary and I decided it was time to go through this 12x12 box I kept all these papers from Jeremy's death.  There were the death certificates, autopsy report, police reports, news articles, many condolence cards, letters from people all over the place.  What do we need to keep and what can we now bring ourselves to let go of.

It wasn't easy.  Tex built a fire in our little outdoor firepit and we both sat there, reading through all the condolence cards and letters.  So many thoughtful comments, it reminded me how sad it is that email and texting have replaced sending cards.  They mean so much more.

One by one I read through them.  Some I couldn't remember who the people were, but I was still grateful they sent those messages.  Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached.  After all this time, I still grieve for my son.

It wasn't easy watching a fire consume all those papers.  Thoughts taking me back to that firey crash.  His body laying on the side of the road.  Me not being there to comfort him.  Him dying alone in the emergency room.  I want the fire to consume my thoughts.  I don't want to go there any more, but yet my son is always a part of me.

Lord, consume me with your holy fire.  Help me to remember all your promises.  You hold us in the palm of Your hands, You love us with an everlasting love, You fill us with hope,  Your love consumes us just as the flames consume those papers!  My hope is in You.

I don't know what others do without the Lord.  I could not have survived all these years without God's promises and the fact that one day, my son and I will be reunited in heaven.  Peace everlasting, no more tears, no more sorrow, just an all consuming love.

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