Who can fathom the ways of God? As this journey progresses we find ourselves weak and strong (does that make sense?), overwhelmed but not giving up.
Brooke is now in Queens Hospital. She was admitted on Wednesday, May 18th. Our cardiologist at Pali Momi asked us to take her to see Dr. Fiack, a pulmonologist here at Queens. Here we were just getting used to Pali Momi and all the new and wonderful physicians there and now we're in a new hospital getting used to all the rules, times, staff and logistics. I've been telling everyone Queens should give out portable GPS' to everyone to find their way around this hospital. It's like a huge maze. The staff is wonderful though. They can tell when we look like we're lost and are ready to help. They tell us they even still get lost.
So we settled in to Queens (the 6th hospital on Oahu we've become familiar with on our journey with Brooke). Tests were getting done; one doctor after another, respiratory techs, etc. all coming and going from her room. Busy, busy, busy and then saturday morning at 8:30 everything changed. For some unknown reason she had a seizure, heart stopped, etc.
If you've ever watched the Discovery Health Channel and seen what happens when someone's heart stops, it's all really like that. I was asked if I wanted to leave the room but I wanted to stay and pray. I can honestly say it made me wonder if we do too much. There were moments I wanted to scream "STOP"- "ENOUGH" but my lips were moving "have mercy, thy will be done". It was brutal, it was rough. Is this Your perfect plan Lord?
After the ventilator was put in, Brooke was thrust into her new reality. It's not pleasant. There are new words in our vocabulary, ventilatory, tracheotomy, CO2, MRI, blood gases - the list goes on
We are now 5 days into God's plan. As Psalm 18 reverberates through my mind "As for God His Way is Perfect" I must admit I do ask, "how much more?" This is very painful to watch, it is extremely painful to discuss what may or may not happen. You feel helpless, you cry and just when you think you have no more tears, more tears come. And you look around and you see life goes on - graduations and weddings happening, meetings, parties, summer school and summer vacations and I wonder - what will 2011 be like for us.
And altho meaning well, someone will say "it's a new path for you" - well guess what I don't like it and I wouldn't choose it!!
So I leave you with this ..... "As for God His way is perfect" and I've come to this conclusion about this scripture. His perfect way means to persevere, taking one step at a time holding on to His hand. His way is perfect means, when it comes crushing down around me and my heart is breaking, I keep my eyes on Him. His way is perfect means I fill myself up with His Word and His promises. And although I thought I would never say this, I find it hard to concentrate on His Word these days, but I know I must read it, hold it and look at it.
With tears filling my eyes and sobs coming from my lips, I take one step at a time remembering He loves Brooke more than I do and He does have the best plan for her, even if it's not what I would have chosen.
I remind myself He is my shield, His arms strengthen me, His right hand sustains me and this is what He wants us to go through right now.
Love to you all