I haven't blogged in a while. After getting back from our mission trip to the Philippines on 10/15, I have been battling one virus after another. And along with those viruses came a bad case of vertigo. My first experience with that and it was terrible. My heart goes out to any one who has ever had to deal with the room swirling around just by any little move of your head! I am on the mend, feeling a little physically better but now my poor husband is battling a virus he can't seem to shake. What next? Well read on....
My thoughts are a bit jumbled today. A few days ago we took Brooke to her pulmonologist as she has begun sleeping more, her voice is changing, the puffiness is back and again her oxygen level dropped significantly. She is once again on oxygen all day and while her oxygen saturation level is now up; the other symptoms are back. What does this mean? That the carbon dioxide levels are increasing in her tiny body and this is not good. So we are at the doctors only to hear what we've been dreading "we knew this would eventually happen. It is the progression of the beast (pulmonary hypertension)". The only thought that raced through my mind was "this is the beginning of the end of her life on earth". We cried - yep - right there in that office, all three of us cried.
We are stepping onto that roller coaster once again. A good moment, a bad moment, high and exhilarated and low and disappointed.
I keep the Christmas Tree lights on all the time we are in our home - day or night. It reminds me that Jesus is the light. He brings light into the darkness, He will direct our paths, He will be with us on the ups and downs of the roller coaster, He will wipe away the numerous tears we are shedding.
We are grateful God has brought our son Trey home. Brooke is especially happy and said on Thanksgiving that the one thing she was grateful for was that her brother was home again. I am filled with joy that the Lord brought him home during this time. He is able to spend time with Brooke and that brings her joy. Tears fill my eyes each time she asks him to lift her up and he so willingly does it. Or when she teases him and he laughs and banters back to her.
Many may say"how do you cope" or "you must be used to this already". Well, no I'm not used to this and how do I cope? I am doing what I heard a wise man (our Pastor Mike) say once "When things around you don't make sense, go back to what does - the Word of God". I am clinging to His promises and I know He is allowing all of this. It doesn't always make sense to me, for His ways are not my ways; but I do know that He loves Brooke even more than me. Is my heart broken? YES. Do I cry daily? YES. Do I think her suffering is unfair? YES. Do I want a miracle healing? YES. If it doesn't come will I still believe in Jesus? YES.
What do I need? Your prayers.