Ghosts & Goblins

May 22, 2019


Had my first chemo treatment yesterday.  I got all dressed up and had a positive attitude going into it.
Had my hair cut, mani/pedi, put on a beautiful hermes scarf someone gave me as a gift  I was all set.
Tex and I prayed before we stepped through those doors.  They said it would take a full four hours!
There was one glitch before we left - no one to care for Brooke.  Four hours in treatment means 6 hours gone from her.  A long time for her to be alone.  I cried out, fist clenched, to God - yes me I did
this- here's my transparency.  found someone to come at two.  That helped.  trying not to dwell on the
negative.

Walked into the treatment center, greeted by the friendly receptionist who even knew my name,  I am
feeling spunky.  Sent to my treatment bed.  What???? Here comes the ghosts and goblins, trying to rob me of all I came in with.  My treatment bed for 4 hours is a small, stiff recliner that barely fits me,
I can't push back into a reclining position on my own.  The nurse pushes really hard almost launching
me backwards out of the chair.  I ask why I can't have a bed.  They only have TWO in that whole
cancer treatment center.  Now if you are going to be hooked up to IVs for four hours you want comfort.  Something that has room for your bible, glasses,phone.  This chair had nothing like that.
I started to cry.  Felt no Hope,  the goblins of despair were entering in.  I asked to speak to someone who could change the situation.  That took over an hour and after speaking who I thought was a patient advocate I was sent to the Manager of the floor, Rochelle.  She loved my ideas but would see
if they could accommodate me today as soon as one became available.  Now remember Queens West the main hospital is only so few feet away.  They are not overfilled with patients.  Two beds.  You think we were asking for a whole fleet of them.  Goblins every where!  It is what it is I kept telling myself.  They are not treating me as they would their mother, wife or sister or child.  I am patient
#078423!!!

God is with me, I keep receiting this.  I am His Child, He created me.  Ghosts and goblins flee from me.  I place a red sticker heart on my IV bag and I tell the nurse there is a story behind it and if she
wants to hear it I will share.  She does!  God moment #1.  Then Tex and I tell her a little more of our lives.  She can't believe what she is hearing.  Before we leave, we share the gospel.  She is open, my HOPE returns.

Thursday I must return to this center.  I want to help make it a place of HOPE not just treatment of
drugs.  Pray we can make Hawaii like the Cancer Treatment of America, where they treat the whole
person.  After all we are trapped on an island.  We cannot just drive to another state to get opinions, treatment options, etc.  Pray God will open those doors to change.

Resurrection Day

April 21, 2019

Happy Easter!  I am so thankful I get to celebrate another Easter with my family and friends.

Tomorrow I start my chemo treatment.  I do feel some apprehension but I also know beyond a
shadow of a doubt that God loves me, He holds me in the palm of His hands, His promises are
all for me and that He has chosen this path for me.  But I am human and there are moments of
anxiety that creep into my mind.

My expectations can get the best of me.  You would think after all these years I would not put
that on me, but lo and behold I still do.  thats also when my attitude goes south and I begin to
nitpik on people that I love.  Tsk tsk.  

I had these plans for Easter and they went awry.  It didn't turn out the way I wanted but I am
reminding myself I am grateful I am here.

May God bless you all.

The Journey Has Begun

I haven't blogged in a while because I couldn't find how to do a new post.  Finally my hubby took my computer and began fiddling with it.  Aha, he got it to where I can do a new post.  Perhaps also, God wanted to build up things in my life to make it worthwhile to post.
Where do I begin?  2018 my health plummeted and I ended up in the hospital several times.  Doctors trying to fix what was wrong and always being cautious not to jump into some radical treatment.  Well on March 6, 2019 symptoms showed that I needed to have all of my large intestines (colon) removed.  If I hadn't had the surgery done at that time,  I would have died. I was so malnourished.  After removing the colon, I thought my problem was solved, and although I wasn't thrilled to live with an osteomy appliance for the rest of my life, I felt I could adapt.  God was allowing me to live and eat!

The pathology report said another thing.  Under the part of the colon that was so constrictive was
cancer, stage 3, even in my appendix.  We were not prepared for this.  Cancer had never even entered our minds.

Stunned, shocked are only two words that come to mind.  I cried out "But Lord, I just went through a radical surgery and now cancer?"  Its a whole new world.  My or I should say our, as Tex is with me every step of the way, world is hospitals, scans, insurance consults, classes, long car rides, tears, frustration, blood work, new procedures. etc.  Oncologist says 6 months of two type of chemo.  UGH

How will I make the best of this new journey which I know 100% the Lord is allowing? My foremost
thought is how will this bring glory to God?  What type of ministry does He require of me?  I want to be useful and I want others to know how real my God is.  Each decision I make must be bathed in prayer.  Each person I meet or is put in front of me is sent by my Lord for me to minister to or for me to learn from.

Please join me on this journey.  I covet your prayers and thoughts.  You are all precious to me.

A Parking Lot

May 3, 2018 will forever be etched in my mind.  It was the National Day of Prayer.
I remember getting up that morning asking God to make it a day of prayer for me.  Since I'm home-
bound for a while after just getting out of the hospital, I didn't think I would have much opportunities to pray with individuals, but still I could have a full day of prayer at home.

Around lunch time Tex took me for a ride.  He also had to make a stop at Foodland to pick up some groceries.  I sat in the car playing a game on my phone, then realized I could be praying for the people around me.   I began.  Then I heard the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  "Pray for the person who comes to the car next to you.  My window was down so I had great access.  Here comes this guy with an arm load of groceries, opens his door and I Freeze!!  I can't do this.  He gets in his car and drives away.   Ugh.  I feel so defeated but more so that I was disobedient.

Then another car drives in, this girl with long blonde hair gets out and I see Tex walking to the car so I know this is my last chance.  I tell her "today is National Day of Prayer, do you mind if I pray for
you?"  She says, Oh OK.  We join hands and I pray over her.  She thanks me and leaves.

My heart is racing - why?  shouldn't it be easy to obey God?

What did you do on May 3, 2018?

Darkness Descends

After having been in the hospital 3 times within 3 weeks, I can honestly say I don't want that any more.  But since leaving the hospital I am weak, nauseous, unable to do some of the simple things I used to do.  I feel extremely  vulnerable, at the mercy of others, even afraid.

During this trial there have been moments where I can feel my mind descending into darkness.  Asking questions I normally wouldn't entertain.  Will I always be this way?  Is this my new norm?  What kind of life is this for my family.

I know where my mind should be, focused on God, His promises, His love and mercy; but at various times the darkness descends.  I think of Paul.  One trial after another. He is just a man, full of faith but still a human being.  I bet he had moments where he felt alone, afraid, wondering what was coming next. Yes, we read about him singing praises in jail and I know that darkness can descend upon one so quickly.  But Paul also had a friend with him in jail. Some one to encourage him, someone to help him through this difficult time.  God tells us to be prepared but some times our flesh overtakes our faith and thats when I just have to lay back and surrender.  Nothing else can do - just surrender.  I also ask God how can He use me, eventho there are days the weakness and pain are way too much.  But God always shows up with a use for me.

We are all like Paul.  The trials come, although I must confess I did ask God "again?".  I don't understand them or like them. There are moments of descending into darkness, but then God extends His hand He shines the light upon the situation.  It is the hope He and only He can bring.  I don't want to look far ahead, I am looking one moment at a time.  I am grateful for a moment of rest, strength, of feeling a hug of having people visit to be like my Aaron and Hur.  One moment at a time.

Gods Word said we suffer so we can comfort those who will go through the same trials.  But I also know we suffer to teach other believers how to minister in different ways, in ways that will stretch you.  BUT we have to listen to the Holy Spirit and I don't see a whole lot of that.  Put your phones downs, stop posting on instagram unless its how you are ministering to God's people. Guess what your children and grandchildren will survive.  Look around for different opportuntites to help the brethren  One day you may need a touch from one of the brethren.

God Knows

For the last two weeks I have been battling with my ulcerative colitis.  Not being able to get out of bed, even unable to concentrate when I read or write. My hands shake, every muscle in my body is weak.  I wasn't able to make it to church this past week.  Fortunately, I have a comfy bed, a room with a tv and a husband who doesn't mind picking up the slack with Brooke's care and now also has to care for me.  Tex has pretty much given up his hopes and dreams to care for us.  It was hard just getting out of bed.  My doctor is trying one thing and then another, friends are offering this vitamin, this elixir, this and that.  Most days I'd just get up to go to the bathroom then back to sleep. You know how we casually say, "oh if I could stay in bed all day, what a treat", well it's not a treat!  I found myself falling deeper and deeper into this dark oppressive thought life.  Fortunately God knew I would be going through this, so months before He began preparing me.  He had me begin my devotional time each morning by first reading all of Psalm 139 and then Ephesians 6:10-18, putting on the armor!  God knew I would need to be reminded that "He formed my inward parts", verse 13, and He can heal them.  Ps. 139 says He knows all my thoughts, He sees me, He understands what I am going through, His thoughts of me are precious to me and there are so many thoughts He has of me that I can't even count them, verse 17.  So as I lay in my room, away from everyone and my thoughts would take me down that dark hole, those verses in Ps. 139 would remind me and comfort me.  He had prepared me for this time.  He began reminding me in  Eph 6 that I have to, every day, put on that full armor of God, even when I don't feel like it, even when I feel like succumbing to the dark thoughts.  I must be ready to do battle.

I am also learning how isolated one can feel when you have an on-going illness.  We are women who are always going & doing, striving & preparing, needing to feel connected, always needing to be a part of whatever is going on; and when we can't, we feel alone.  We question where is everyone and we begin that walk down into that pit that says, no one cares.  Our society and even our churches are great for the quick fix helps.  We are there if you need a meal, help today, a visit now, but if you need monthly or weekly visits, or on-going help, well the interest tends to dissipate.  We go back to our busy lives, we lose interest because we want to see quick results as well.

As I was pondering this thought of aloneness, I could hear my daughter in the next room, she too is chronically ill, always in her bed - alone.  I could hear her singing a Christmas song - all alone her voice sang out and I heard God say "I know", no one else might know but "I know" "I see", "I hear".
As tears rolled down my cheeks I realized that's what I needed to be reminded of.  That even while I may feel all alone, God is still with me.

But there's a lesson to be learned here for ALL of us.  Don't forget those who are alone, can't get out, need extra help.  Stop right now and ask God to put that person on your heart and then give God immediate obedience and do something for that person.  Don't wait, don't hesitate, immediately be obedient.  Include them in your life and you will reap the benefits.

I realized this is my daughters life day in day out for 37 years.  In her room, alone.  I have such admiration for her and a different perspective because God showed me He Knows.  You know how the song "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" goes?  You better watch out it reminds us Santa is
watching.  Well we better watch out as God is watching.  So let's start now, asking Him to show us how we can add love and joy to someones life