Darkness Descends

After having been in the hospital 3 times within 3 weeks, I can honestly say I don't want that any more.  But since leaving the hospital I am weak, nauseous, unable to do some of the simple things I used to do.  I feel extremely  vulnerable, at the mercy of others, even afraid.

During this trial there have been moments where I can feel my mind descending into darkness.  Asking questions I normally wouldn't entertain.  Will I always be this way?  Is this my new norm?  What kind of life is this for my family.

I know where my mind should be, focused on God, His promises, His love and mercy; but at various times the darkness descends.  I think of Paul.  One trial after another. He is just a man, full of faith but still a human being.  I bet he had moments where he felt alone, afraid, wondering what was coming next. Yes, we read about him singing praises in jail and I know that darkness can descend upon one so quickly.  But Paul also had a friend with him in jail. Some one to encourage him, someone to help him through this difficult time.  God tells us to be prepared but some times our flesh overtakes our faith and thats when I just have to lay back and surrender.  Nothing else can do - just surrender.  I also ask God how can He use me, eventho there are days the weakness and pain are way too much.  But God always shows up with a use for me.

We are all like Paul.  The trials come, although I must confess I did ask God "again?".  I don't understand them or like them. There are moments of descending into darkness, but then God extends His hand He shines the light upon the situation.  It is the hope He and only He can bring.  I don't want to look far ahead, I am looking one moment at a time.  I am grateful for a moment of rest, strength, of feeling a hug of having people visit to be like my Aaron and Hur.  One moment at a time.

Gods Word said we suffer so we can comfort those who will go through the same trials.  But I also know we suffer to teach other believers how to minister in different ways, in ways that will stretch you.  BUT we have to listen to the Holy Spirit and I don't see a whole lot of that.  Put your phones downs, stop posting on instagram unless its how you are ministering to God's people. Guess what your children and grandchildren will survive.  Look around for different opportuntites to help the brethren  One day you may need a touch from one of the brethren.