The Journey Continues

Jully 2019

I've had 4 chemotherapy treatments.  It's not fun.  Some of the side effects are frightening, causes
pain and discomfort.  Some stops me from doing the simplest of things and I must depend on my
husband for help.  Reading and writing is challenging - who would have thought my eyes would be
affected but they are, and my hands shake so writing is very challenging.

What am I learning.  I know and everyone reminds me that God is in control and he has a purpose but
when you are in the throes of it, when the pain and vomitting, shaking and discomfort set in, believe
me one asks God "why".  It's one of those admissions no believer wants to admit but believe me we
do.

So this journeyis teaching me, I am human, I have human feelings and doubts.  I want this over
quiickly. I want to get back to life three years ago!  But all these wants are not happening yet so I
must be content.  If you are reading this please pray that I would be content in whatever God has
in store for me.  I am glad I have hidden His Word in my heart so when my eyes are failing my mind
can recall His Word.

Well my eyes and hands are failing, so I must close for now.

Transparency

June 21, 2019

Social media could make it easy to be transparent, but usually we get the fluff or only parts that make
the world see what a "wonderful, fun-filled " life we're living.  Or on the other hand social media lets
us rant and rave about a cause.

Since my surgery and now my cancer treatments I am beginning to see how important being transparent/honest about what I am going through.  Most times when people say "how do you feel",
I come back with, do you want the generic version or the real me.  Naturally they say the "real" you, so I tell them what is exactly going on that day.  Some days it's good but some days  iits crappy.  Do
you need help?  Yes, I say but there are days I try to be so strong and try to do it on my own and ZAP,
God shows me I need others.

Others!  Involve others in your trials even if they are going through some tough times.  Reach out, they need to feel needed.  Share it shows you care.

Last sunday I was having conversation with a young mom and I could feel my body needed to get to my seat which was on the other side of the church.  I told her I had to go sit down.  She said, do you need help?  I blurted out no, I can make it.  Half way there my legs began to quiver, I grabbed the arm
of another young mom who I knew and I asked her to help me get to my husband a few feet away.  See how silly all this sounds.  If I would have asked that first dear women I would have been fine.  Pridefulness, a desire not to look sick (but I am), the desire I can do this on my own.  As a result the first women saw this transpiring, came up to me, and I confessed my silliness and pridefulness and out of this came two meals a week for the next few weeks to alleviate the stress in our lives.  See? letting others in and being transparent means they get to bless you and Jesus shows them how they are still significant in the body of Christ.

I am going through this chemo holding strongly on to the hands of God.  I know He is carrying me, blessing me, refining me but ALWAYS with me.  I realize I need others!

Let's be transparent.  That's the only way people will see the real Jesus

Ghosts & Goblins

May 22, 2019


Had my first chemo treatment yesterday.  I got all dressed up and had a positive attitude going into it.
Had my hair cut, mani/pedi, put on a beautiful hermes scarf someone gave me as a gift  I was all set.
Tex and I prayed before we stepped through those doors.  They said it would take a full four hours!
There was one glitch before we left - no one to care for Brooke.  Four hours in treatment means 6 hours gone from her.  A long time for her to be alone.  I cried out, fist clenched, to God - yes me I did
this- here's my transparency.  found someone to come at two.  That helped.  trying not to dwell on the
negative.

Walked into the treatment center, greeted by the friendly receptionist who even knew my name,  I am
feeling spunky.  Sent to my treatment bed.  What???? Here comes the ghosts and goblins, trying to rob me of all I came in with.  My treatment bed for 4 hours is a small, stiff recliner that barely fits me,
I can't push back into a reclining position on my own.  The nurse pushes really hard almost launching
me backwards out of the chair.  I ask why I can't have a bed.  They only have TWO in that whole
cancer treatment center.  Now if you are going to be hooked up to IVs for four hours you want comfort.  Something that has room for your bible, glasses,phone.  This chair had nothing like that.
I started to cry.  Felt no Hope,  the goblins of despair were entering in.  I asked to speak to someone who could change the situation.  That took over an hour and after speaking who I thought was a patient advocate I was sent to the Manager of the floor, Rochelle.  She loved my ideas but would see
if they could accommodate me today as soon as one became available.  Now remember Queens West the main hospital is only so few feet away.  They are not overfilled with patients.  Two beds.  You think we were asking for a whole fleet of them.  Goblins every where!  It is what it is I kept telling myself.  They are not treating me as they would their mother, wife or sister or child.  I am patient
#078423!!!

God is with me, I keep receiting this.  I am His Child, He created me.  Ghosts and goblins flee from me.  I place a red sticker heart on my IV bag and I tell the nurse there is a story behind it and if she
wants to hear it I will share.  She does!  God moment #1.  Then Tex and I tell her a little more of our lives.  She can't believe what she is hearing.  Before we leave, we share the gospel.  She is open, my HOPE returns.

Thursday I must return to this center.  I want to help make it a place of HOPE not just treatment of
drugs.  Pray we can make Hawaii like the Cancer Treatment of America, where they treat the whole
person.  After all we are trapped on an island.  We cannot just drive to another state to get opinions, treatment options, etc.  Pray God will open those doors to change.

Resurrection Day

April 21, 2019

Happy Easter!  I am so thankful I get to celebrate another Easter with my family and friends.

Tomorrow I start my chemo treatment.  I do feel some apprehension but I also know beyond a
shadow of a doubt that God loves me, He holds me in the palm of His hands, His promises are
all for me and that He has chosen this path for me.  But I am human and there are moments of
anxiety that creep into my mind.

My expectations can get the best of me.  You would think after all these years I would not put
that on me, but lo and behold I still do.  thats also when my attitude goes south and I begin to
nitpik on people that I love.  Tsk tsk.  

I had these plans for Easter and they went awry.  It didn't turn out the way I wanted but I am
reminding myself I am grateful I am here.

May God bless you all.

The Journey Has Begun

I haven't blogged in a while because I couldn't find how to do a new post.  Finally my hubby took my computer and began fiddling with it.  Aha, he got it to where I can do a new post.  Perhaps also, God wanted to build up things in my life to make it worthwhile to post.
Where do I begin?  2018 my health plummeted and I ended up in the hospital several times.  Doctors trying to fix what was wrong and always being cautious not to jump into some radical treatment.  Well on March 6, 2019 symptoms showed that I needed to have all of my large intestines (colon) removed.  If I hadn't had the surgery done at that time,  I would have died. I was so malnourished.  After removing the colon, I thought my problem was solved, and although I wasn't thrilled to live with an osteomy appliance for the rest of my life, I felt I could adapt.  God was allowing me to live and eat!

The pathology report said another thing.  Under the part of the colon that was so constrictive was
cancer, stage 3, even in my appendix.  We were not prepared for this.  Cancer had never even entered our minds.

Stunned, shocked are only two words that come to mind.  I cried out "But Lord, I just went through a radical surgery and now cancer?"  Its a whole new world.  My or I should say our, as Tex is with me every step of the way, world is hospitals, scans, insurance consults, classes, long car rides, tears, frustration, blood work, new procedures. etc.  Oncologist says 6 months of two type of chemo.  UGH

How will I make the best of this new journey which I know 100% the Lord is allowing? My foremost
thought is how will this bring glory to God?  What type of ministry does He require of me?  I want to be useful and I want others to know how real my God is.  Each decision I make must be bathed in prayer.  Each person I meet or is put in front of me is sent by my Lord for me to minister to or for me to learn from.

Please join me on this journey.  I covet your prayers and thoughts.  You are all precious to me.

A Parking Lot

May 3, 2018 will forever be etched in my mind.  It was the National Day of Prayer.
I remember getting up that morning asking God to make it a day of prayer for me.  Since I'm home-
bound for a while after just getting out of the hospital, I didn't think I would have much opportunities to pray with individuals, but still I could have a full day of prayer at home.

Around lunch time Tex took me for a ride.  He also had to make a stop at Foodland to pick up some groceries.  I sat in the car playing a game on my phone, then realized I could be praying for the people around me.   I began.  Then I heard the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  "Pray for the person who comes to the car next to you.  My window was down so I had great access.  Here comes this guy with an arm load of groceries, opens his door and I Freeze!!  I can't do this.  He gets in his car and drives away.   Ugh.  I feel so defeated but more so that I was disobedient.

Then another car drives in, this girl with long blonde hair gets out and I see Tex walking to the car so I know this is my last chance.  I tell her "today is National Day of Prayer, do you mind if I pray for
you?"  She says, Oh OK.  We join hands and I pray over her.  She thanks me and leaves.

My heart is racing - why?  shouldn't it be easy to obey God?

What did you do on May 3, 2018?

Darkness Descends

After having been in the hospital 3 times within 3 weeks, I can honestly say I don't want that any more.  But since leaving the hospital I am weak, nauseous, unable to do some of the simple things I used to do.  I feel extremely  vulnerable, at the mercy of others, even afraid.

During this trial there have been moments where I can feel my mind descending into darkness.  Asking questions I normally wouldn't entertain.  Will I always be this way?  Is this my new norm?  What kind of life is this for my family.

I know where my mind should be, focused on God, His promises, His love and mercy; but at various times the darkness descends.  I think of Paul.  One trial after another. He is just a man, full of faith but still a human being.  I bet he had moments where he felt alone, afraid, wondering what was coming next. Yes, we read about him singing praises in jail and I know that darkness can descend upon one so quickly.  But Paul also had a friend with him in jail. Some one to encourage him, someone to help him through this difficult time.  God tells us to be prepared but some times our flesh overtakes our faith and thats when I just have to lay back and surrender.  Nothing else can do - just surrender.  I also ask God how can He use me, eventho there are days the weakness and pain are way too much.  But God always shows up with a use for me.

We are all like Paul.  The trials come, although I must confess I did ask God "again?".  I don't understand them or like them. There are moments of descending into darkness, but then God extends His hand He shines the light upon the situation.  It is the hope He and only He can bring.  I don't want to look far ahead, I am looking one moment at a time.  I am grateful for a moment of rest, strength, of feeling a hug of having people visit to be like my Aaron and Hur.  One moment at a time.

Gods Word said we suffer so we can comfort those who will go through the same trials.  But I also know we suffer to teach other believers how to minister in different ways, in ways that will stretch you.  BUT we have to listen to the Holy Spirit and I don't see a whole lot of that.  Put your phones downs, stop posting on instagram unless its how you are ministering to God's people. Guess what your children and grandchildren will survive.  Look around for different opportuntites to help the brethren  One day you may need a touch from one of the brethren.

God Knows

For the last two weeks I have been battling with my ulcerative colitis.  Not being able to get out of bed, even unable to concentrate when I read or write. My hands shake, every muscle in my body is weak.  I wasn't able to make it to church this past week.  Fortunately, I have a comfy bed, a room with a tv and a husband who doesn't mind picking up the slack with Brooke's care and now also has to care for me.  Tex has pretty much given up his hopes and dreams to care for us.  It was hard just getting out of bed.  My doctor is trying one thing and then another, friends are offering this vitamin, this elixir, this and that.  Most days I'd just get up to go to the bathroom then back to sleep. You know how we casually say, "oh if I could stay in bed all day, what a treat", well it's not a treat!  I found myself falling deeper and deeper into this dark oppressive thought life.  Fortunately God knew I would be going through this, so months before He began preparing me.  He had me begin my devotional time each morning by first reading all of Psalm 139 and then Ephesians 6:10-18, putting on the armor!  God knew I would need to be reminded that "He formed my inward parts", verse 13, and He can heal them.  Ps. 139 says He knows all my thoughts, He sees me, He understands what I am going through, His thoughts of me are precious to me and there are so many thoughts He has of me that I can't even count them, verse 17.  So as I lay in my room, away from everyone and my thoughts would take me down that dark hole, those verses in Ps. 139 would remind me and comfort me.  He had prepared me for this time.  He began reminding me in  Eph 6 that I have to, every day, put on that full armor of God, even when I don't feel like it, even when I feel like succumbing to the dark thoughts.  I must be ready to do battle.

I am also learning how isolated one can feel when you have an on-going illness.  We are women who are always going & doing, striving & preparing, needing to feel connected, always needing to be a part of whatever is going on; and when we can't, we feel alone.  We question where is everyone and we begin that walk down into that pit that says, no one cares.  Our society and even our churches are great for the quick fix helps.  We are there if you need a meal, help today, a visit now, but if you need monthly or weekly visits, or on-going help, well the interest tends to dissipate.  We go back to our busy lives, we lose interest because we want to see quick results as well.

As I was pondering this thought of aloneness, I could hear my daughter in the next room, she too is chronically ill, always in her bed - alone.  I could hear her singing a Christmas song - all alone her voice sang out and I heard God say "I know", no one else might know but "I know" "I see", "I hear".
As tears rolled down my cheeks I realized that's what I needed to be reminded of.  That even while I may feel all alone, God is still with me.

But there's a lesson to be learned here for ALL of us.  Don't forget those who are alone, can't get out, need extra help.  Stop right now and ask God to put that person on your heart and then give God immediate obedience and do something for that person.  Don't wait, don't hesitate, immediately be obedient.  Include them in your life and you will reap the benefits.

I realized this is my daughters life day in day out for 37 years.  In her room, alone.  I have such admiration for her and a different perspective because God showed me He Knows.  You know how the song "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" goes?  You better watch out it reminds us Santa is
watching.  Well we better watch out as God is watching.  So let's start now, asking Him to show us how we can add love and joy to someones life

It's all in the timing

Genesis 18:14 "Is anything too difficult for the Lord?  At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."

Nothing is too difficult for God, but when we look at our circumstances, the world, chaos around us
through our eyes, through our filtration system, all seems lost.  Despair sets in.  Anxiety fills us up.
How will I get it all done, this is so unfair, look at them!

But God says in the above scripture, "is ANYTHING", not some things, too difficult for God.  What
He's telling us is that absolutely nothing is too difficult for Him to accomplish in us, with us, and
through us.  Aaaahh but the caveat is in the next sentence "at the appointed time".  At whose
timing?  Mine, yours or theirs?  No, it's according to His timing.  Because He is all knowing, only He can say when things will change, when the circumstances will go in our favor.  This is the part
we don't like.  The waiting.  Are we sure God is in control?  Should I not take back the reins?  Should
I not sit in the pilots seat and direct each turn?

Sarah and Abraham laughed when told they would have a son in their very old age.  Personally I
would have fainted!  This seemed an impossibility, but not with God.  After He told them they
were going to have a little bundle of joy, He made them wait, quite a while (the appointed time).
Imagine what that was like.

Timing grates on me.  I want results now, not a year from now.  I want to see fruit from my efforts
now.  That way of thinking means I am in control, not the One who created me.

Timing is so important to God.

Limits or Limitless

Changes when they come can be good or bad.  It's all about perception and choices.  Will these changes limit me or provide limitless ways in which they fulfill and enhance my life? Will these changes provide opportunities for me to be productive?

For several months I've been having health issues.  Those of you who see me are scratching their heads because on the outside I look good.  I've lost weight (a perk from the illness) and I tend to dress up myself when I am down so as to fend off comments like "you look tired", "you look down and
out" (just a few comments the few time I've ventured out without my accessory look as I call it).  Any way these issues have begun putting barriers around the activities I normally do.  I see my life getting more home-bound, having to really plan my available time, choosing even activities at home to accommodate the restrictions my health issues have placed upon me.

I've had much time to think about where I go from here.  Do I let these new limits stop me from a productive lifestyle, or do I seek God and see what HE has for me.  I had many questions for Him: what now? what do I do with the great desire to teach women His Word? How do I not get isolated & forgotten at home (there is a tendency in people to stop being in peoples lives that can't always be out and about (I've seen this first-hand with Brooke).  How do I stay connected God?  You have allowed this time of limits in my life please help to make it limitless!

I started listing my blessings: 1) I have a loving and caring husband who encourages me, waits on me and tries to make my life as fulfilling as possible. 2) If I have to spend more time at home, God has blessed me with beautiful surroundings.  My view as I write this is of a beautiful lush green valley with gorgeous mountains. The quietness of my surroundings is a catharsis to my soul. 3) I have access to wi-fi and telephone so I can still stay connected to people. 4) I have Brooke around me 24/7 to make me laugh. She's got a great sense of humor and looking at her struggles everyday puts mine in perspective.

My time with God is my priority. I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. So I choose to look at this time as a time of limitless opportunities. A time of growing in another direction.

But hey, I'm human and I realize I need the power of prayer from everyone to sustain me.  So I am asking you all who read this to pray for me and to pass this along to other believers that know me that do not read this blog.  I am asking for specific prayers:  for God's strength to flow through me-take away the fatigue, pray HE will show me clearly what I'm to do each and every day or hour, and pray for restoration of my body.  Don't forget - Pass this along!!!

My daughter gave me this scripture today  "Then Jesus said, Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle in heart and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light" Matthew 11:28-30   See how God has blessed me!

Her Joy/My Pain

June 21,2017

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

We've all heard this children's rhyme and seen the picture of the Humpty Dumpty all full of cracks.
I envision my heart this way.  Broken pieces for the times when I've experienced hurts in my life.  Hurts that have injured my heart.  Then my King (God), unlike Humpty's king, comes along in His timing, and pieces back together my broken heart.  Sometimes it's a quick fix, other times it takes a while for the glue (His Word, His actions) to bring about healing.

The other day I added another crack to my heart.  I heard excitement in Brooke's voice as she related that she was receiving in the mail that day a new bracelet. We weren't at home and she said she was looking forward to seeing if it had arrived.  She mentioned she ordered the bracelet a few days prior through the internet.  She found the perfect Medic Alert bracelet, one that wouldn't tarnish and slip off her wrist.  Last year we ordered one through a jewelry store but it fell apart within the week.  The first bracelet cost us $130 but this one was only $60!

We had been advised in 2011 by the doctors at the Mayo Clinic that she should always wear a medic alert device that indicates "hard to intubate".  Alerting medical staff of the problems that they will enounter while providing medical care.  However, this time Brooke put something new on this bracelet-it read- DNR/CCO.  Do not resuscitate/comfort care only.  C-R-A-C-K - I could feel the crack in my heart occurring and the lump in my throat growing.  I didn't want her to see my tears.

Now I know and put my trust in God's Word that only He knows the number of our days, however, when your 36 year old daughter orders, on her own, this type of jewelry, it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Have you had any of your children do this?  I didn't think so.

My heart was experiencing a hurt. My immediate tendency was to cry out "why"; but because I have felt these cracks before, I quickly let go of that thought and picked up the glue that would begin to mend me. Thank goodness for the Bible app on my cell phone. The glue?  God's Word.  I poured over it, gleaning much.  One place gave me a jolt and brought me back to where I should be:  Habakkuk 3:17-19 "Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.  The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds feet, and makes we walk on my high places."

I am not any different from you.  I cry and wonder if these pains will eventually stop for Brooke.  But with all the sorrow there is also joy and hope.  I can look toward the future with a smile on my face.  I am not like Humpty Dumpty.  I have a King who says He makes me walk on high places without letting me fall.  I will continually hold on to His hand.

The Comfort of Traditions

January 2017

This year my husband is making specific storage cabinets to put all our Christmas decorations.  I am organizing them (which I love to do) before the cabinets are done.  Stockings in one bin, creche's in another, etc.  After 40 years of marriage, I have a lot of Christmas things, but I love them all.  As I am going through all my things, I am remembering who gave me this one, who made that one and I recall specific memories.  This year I realized the stockings we hang are very narrow so the stocking gifts couldn't quite fit into each one.  I mentioned on Christmas Day that next year I was going to retire Trey and Brooke's stockings, which they've had since they were toddlers, and get new ones.  A resounding NO came from both of them.

Sometimes we think our kids (even if they're adults), don't take seriously or cherish these traditions we put so much effort into.  But they do!  My kids, who are no different than yours, have realized traditions bring stability and comfort.  They look forward to traditions because in a chaotic world they bring them peace, joy, and hope.

Don't give up on your traditions.  If you don't have any yet, think of ways you can incorporate some into your families lives - not only at Christmas or thanksgiving. This year I heard women tell me it's too much trouble, or they want their children to focus more on Jesus.  You don't have to give up Jesus because you decorate a tree, bake cookies, shop for gifts, or fill stockings.  We make Jesus a big part of our Christmas.  We read the Christmas story before we open one gift or take one bite of Christmas dinner.  When our children were younger, we would read the Christmas story several times a week before Christmas Day.  We now have our niece, who is the youngest child in our family, read the story of the Candy Cane after Christmas dinner.  We play Christmas games that include bible trivia and along with Here Comes Santa Claus (which always gets laughs), we sing many Christmas Carols about Jesus.

Traditions are good, healthy for the soul and mind.  I hope you're putting some into your families lives.  You will see how your children will enjoy them!  It solidifies a family.

Note:  If you come from a family who never had any such tradition- think of the possibilities you can enjoy.  If you come from a family who had some less than desirable type of traditions, put them behind you and start some new ones.

What Door Will You Choose?

November 21, 2016

Christmas is only 33 days away and a new year fast approaching with only 40 days to go.

I always look forward to a new year.  I like the look of my new calendar on my desk.  Although I have an iphone, I still prefer the old fashion desk calendar with a month at a glance.  The first thing I put onto my new calendar are birthdays and special occasions that I need to be reminded about.  I just love this part!  But the new year also brings a time of reflection.  I look back the previous year and see what I've accomplished; and I ask myself have I been obedient to God's calling or have I squandered my time?

Some times as I look over month after month, I see obedience, then disobedience.  My face goes from smiles to frowns.  This past year I facilitated several bible studies for women.  Each one was a wonderful experience for me.  I met some great women eager to study God's Word.  Looking back over each study I see a common thread, the word "choices" comes up often.  We can choose to do something, like obey God, or we can choose not to.

God's Word tells me "Keep on asking and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking and you will find.  Keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."  Matthew 7:7-8  That is effective praying, something Jesus tells us to do often.  But I have to choose if I am going to be an effective prayer warrior.  Will I give Him the best of my time, or give Him my leftovers.

Now a new year is approaching and I want to choose God's way over the world's way.  I want to be an effective prayer warrior, I want to be a true disciple of Jesus.  Matthew 7:21-23 tells me how to be one.  I want to build my life on a solid foundation - no cracks, no wobbling (Matthew 7:24-27) Jesus tells me how to do that.  For 2017, I don't want to be known as a Christian as that word is loosely used now and has so many variations and definitions.  I want to be known as a FOLLOWER OF JESUS!  But every day I must choose - Jesus' way or the world's way.

Now that I proclaim it boldly, I know the spiritual warfare will come; but my plan of action is to keep my eyes focused on Christ, cling to His Word and put on the armor He has for me in Ephesians 6.  After all, who is mightier or more powerful than my God ?!

New Hope

November 10, 2016

I didn't vote for Barack Obama.  I start out with that firm statement because we just elected a new president, a republican, not a seasoned politician who has made politics their life long job; but we elected someone who gives me new hope for America.  Today I also wrote a letter to the only newspaper we have in Hawaii (shameful isn't it?).  It was titled "New Democrats".  I will share it here for I know they won't print it on the editorial page. LOL

Protestors with deplorable behavior, is this the new democrats?  Talk shows are asking psychologist how to talk to children about this election.  Here is my advice.  Tell them we raised a generation to think that even if they didn't win everyone gets a trophy, and now they want their trophy.  We didn't teach them to work hard for what they want.  We overindulged them with cell phones,ipods,designer this and that.  We taught them not to have respect for authority.  Every time they were reprimanded at school we went to school and stuck up for them not the teacher, that action showed them how not to respect authority.  They saw us as parents, chastise other parents who properly disciplined their children, critized those who stood up for the rights of the unborn child, laughed at people who stood for moral values, calling them uneducated.  Then you take a deep breath, and tell them these protestors who are ranting whimpering and crying today when they didn't get their way,  this IS the
New Democrat. (end of letter)

But when Barack Obama was elected, we didn't get our trophy, and we didn't riot in the streets.  We knew, because we were taught by our parents that in life we don't always get what we want. We were taught we had to work for what we wanted.  There weren't any free rides.  When we misbehaved in school, our parents spanked us and sent us back to apologize to the teacher.  I never heard my parents cuss.  They taught me to have respect for all authority.  They taught me to say please and thank you and to consider myself blessed because I lived in a country where I had many freedoms.  How come we didn't teach this generation the same things?  We have fallen short and now we are reaping what we sowed.  Forgive us God.

Disillusioned

This election has filled me with disillusionments.  Not that the candidates are so awful (that's a given not a disillusion to me). But that people I thought believed in the Word of God like I do are for a candidate that is for abortion.  My heart grieves that I fellowship with people that are not like-minded.  How can that be I ask myself.  Have I been so blinded?  Have I missed some of the signals showing me that they do not believe the Word of God is the Absolute truth?  Did I miss opportunities to be salt in my brothers and sisters lives?  I am grieved, I am grieved.

Social media has been a terrible way for us to express ourselves.  Yes there are times we as believers put scripture out there, but is that our way of getting the truth out there or is that an easy way, nonconfrontational way, to share?  Who wants confrontation?  Who wants to be rejected?  Who was disillusionments?  I don't.  I am tired of it.  I want the Lord to come back now but His timing is not my timing and that's a good thing.

So what is HE showing me? That I assume to much and that causes roots in my thought life of defensiveness which can lead to disillusional thoughts and bitterness.  Me bitter? Yep!  Me defensive?  Yep.  You are too.  We want to think that we have positive, christ-like thoughts but let someone disagree, challenge or say something insensitive and those hairs on the back of our necks perk up and those thoughts start a churning.

So to my children (because this is who this blog is really for), I say this, your mom is human but praise God, HE is not done with me.  And HE is not done with you too.  We are ALL sinners saved by grace.  There is only one person who will never reject us, fail us or discourage us and that is Jesus Christ.  Social media, friends on facebook, instagram, hollywood, government, etc will always disappoint us.  Cling to Christ.  Believe HIS Word

Grace

September 2016

"His wife said to him, "are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God & die".  Job 2:9

No one wants to be remembered for words we utter when our stress levels are so high.  Poor Mrs. Job.  We remember her for these 12 words.  I have been hearing sermons this past month, on grace and I got to thinking of Mrs. Job.  Here is a lesson in grace....

If we take a step back and look honestly at all Job went through, we forget his wife went through those same trials.  She is not the primary character of the Book of Job, but she was a part of what went on.  First, in one day, she watched all 10 of her children die.  I can imagine her thoughts, "ten times I have given birth, nursed each one, kissed their ten toes and fingers, watched them grow in our loving family".  Feel her heart ache?  Like most moms, she was probably the heart beat of the home.  She gathered them together, fed them, rejoiced with them.  Job was an esteemed man in society, so I believe she must have been very influential and an integral part of his life.  Imagine the grief that enveloped her as she looked at the 10 freshly dug graves.

In one day she went from living very comfortably (Job is described as a wealthy man), to every material possession taken from her.  In one day she lost it all!  She is now homeless, penniless, all she has is the clothes she is wearing.

Then she becomes Jobs caregiver!  Now there is a thankless job.  Job is in excruciating pain, probably very cantankerous.  We are told his trial nearly breaks Job's soul.  What about her soul?
We don't read that Job began ministering to his wife.  Is he tending to her needs?  Is he comforting her?  Is he thanking her?

Are you beginning to feel some empathy and compassion for her?  Yes, she uttered those awful words, but can we give her some grace?

This past month I must admit, I lacked grace for some people, but God brought me back through Mrs. Job (I wonder what her name was?). Because I sought HIM, he taught me that although people don't always share about their trials, or it's not so evident the pain they are in, everyone has a story.  Every one needs grace.  Our part is to lavish the grace Jesus gives to us on others.  No matter how difficult it may be, we are called to love, encourage and forgive.  Let's hope grace will abound in overflowing amounts to all those God puts in our paths.

It was harder than I thought

June 26, 2016

I didn't think I would be blogging so soon, but here I am.  I wrote yesterday of all the momentos and treasures I was keeping in my koa chest.  Today, is our 40th wedding anniversary and I decided it was time to go through this 12x12 box I kept all these papers from Jeremy's death.  There were the death certificates, autopsy report, police reports, news articles, many condolence cards, letters from people all over the place.  What do we need to keep and what can we now bring ourselves to let go of.

It wasn't easy.  Tex built a fire in our little outdoor firepit and we both sat there, reading through all the condolence cards and letters.  So many thoughtful comments, it reminded me how sad it is that email and texting have replaced sending cards.  They mean so much more.

One by one I read through them.  Some I couldn't remember who the people were, but I was still grateful they sent those messages.  Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached.  After all this time, I still grieve for my son.

It wasn't easy watching a fire consume all those papers.  Thoughts taking me back to that firey crash.  His body laying on the side of the road.  Me not being there to comfort him.  Him dying alone in the emergency room.  I want the fire to consume my thoughts.  I don't want to go there any more, but yet my son is always a part of me.

Lord, consume me with your holy fire.  Help me to remember all your promises.  You hold us in the palm of Your hands, You love us with an everlasting love, You fill us with hope,  Your love consumes us just as the flames consume those papers!  My hope is in You.

I don't know what others do without the Lord.  I could not have survived all these years without God's promises and the fact that one day, my son and I will be reunited in heaven.  Peace everlasting, no more tears, no more sorrow, just an all consuming love.

A Chest of Memories

June 25, 2016

I have a big koa chest in my home where I put cherished items into.  Hoping one day my children will want to have them and treasure them as I do.  Today, I had my husband move the chest from our bedroom to the living room.  The reason I decided to have it moved is because it is a beautiful piece of koa furniture.  I want everyone to enjoy the beauty of it.  Before we could bring it downstairs (it's quite heavy) we had to empty it out.  I had not realized how much stuff I was accumulating.  Little story books, Brooke's cabbage patch dolls from the 80's (she tells me they are worth something), Trey's little league and popwarner jersey's,pictures, etc. Brooke's girl scout vest with all her patches!  Things I treasure and kept from Jeremy.  There was more. An american flag with 48 stars from Tex's fathers memorial service.

 As I went through each item, the memories flooded back.  Especially the box labeled "Jeremy".  Inside this box were all the condolence cards given to us, the newspaper articles of the tragic accident, his wallet, some things from high school, his last year book.  Seems like yesterday.  I began wondering if it's about time to get rid of some of these things.  Memories of Jeremy will never leave me, unless alzheimers sets in, but are these things really treasures.  Will Brooke and Trey want them- I doubt it.

I remember Tex and his sister going through their mom's things after she passed away.  The things she thought were so dear to her, they didn't feel the same way.  So why do we hang on to things?

I began to ask myself, "why are you holding on to these things"??  Why not frame some and put them out for others to enjoy, like that 48 star flag?  Why not get rid of those condolence cards, but of course read them all one last time.  It is time to say goodbye to those.  The news articles of the accident, I think I will let Brooke and Trey read them and then decide if they want them.  I remember every bit of information from those articles.  They will never leave my mind. Memorabilia is ok for a while I have determined, but now it is time to clean it out.  God has new things for me, He says so in His Word "Do not ponder things of the past, behold I am going to do something new with you.  Will you not be aware of it? Isaiah"  I can't see the something new if I am cluttered with stuff from the past.

So today I am taking a giant step.  I am cleaning out that chest.  I wonder what new things God will have me put in from time to time.  I am excited to see the "Something New" He has for me.

God at a Chicago Concert??

Tex, Brooke and I recently attended a concert with the group Chicago.  Before the concert, I saw Brooke reading something on her phone.  She told me she was catching up on some of her reading homework for college.  She said she was reading about grace.  Little did I know God was going to teach me about grace during this concert.

The music was loud, the atmosphere was pulsating, the lights were flashing.  We were clapping, singing and laughing.  Some in the crowd were yelling.  We were having a good time with Brooke.  I looked over at her and my heart broke into a million pieces.  My eyes began to fill with tears.  We were all clapping and she was trying so hard to join in the clapping.  You see her right hand is nearly closed into a fist.  Only her index finger and thumb work.  Her left hand cannot rotate in any direction, it just lays flat.  She put her left hand down flat on her wheelchair table and took that disfigured right fist and started "clapping" in her style.  Hitting that fist against the top of her left hand.  She was trying to sway to the music like all of us, but her body is so stiff all you could see was a slight movement in her upper body.  But she was smiling.

As I watched her, I went from laughter to anger, then to sorrow.  My eyes scanned the room.  Everyone was having a good time.  But I began to wrestle with God.  "She's only 35, can't you the great physician, the healer, make her physically whole. Why does she have to suffer so?"

The music played on loudly, the light show was awesome and then the crowd turned on their cell phone flashlights throughout the arena.  Hundreds of little bright lights encompassed the darkness and then God spoke clearly to me....

           "And He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.
          Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of
          Christ may dwell in me".  2Co. 12:9

His grace is sufficient. He has a plan.  Bet you thought I didn't have those type of thoughts.  Well remember in Job where satan says he patrols the earth, watching everything going on (Job 1:7).  There is an enemy that never takes time off.  He wants to cause doubt, inject fear and allow discouragement. Satan does that with me too.  But my God is powerful and because I have purposed in my heart to learn His Word, He calls it to mind whenever I need it.

Believe in His Word.  Hide it in your hearts so when satan patrols your life you can stand firm against
his schemes.  Isn't our God wonderful?  Even in a rip-roaring concert He speaks!